Ninth Album – This Cronky Contraption
Needless to say, Evilemi did not offer the band a reasonable contract and so they went “indie” with their next release. After minutes of looking in Melody Maker small ads, H decided on Frilly Pink records as their label matched his guitar.
Frilly Pink gave the band £200 in used fivers as an advance. Fortunately, President Mosley knew a few people in Aylesbury “who owed him” and he managed to purloin an industrial unit on a new development. “Those foundations could tell a few stories” is all he would say to the band.
The president also persuaded the band to take a new manager, Luci, who he had met at Evilemi. “Not because I fancy her!” he responded, rather defensively when people asked why he had recommended her.
The next album was a “mixed bag”. It includes one of their longest and best songs but also contains lesser material like 8 Days and No Hope For the Future. It transpired that the latter was recorded in Brazil after eating too many “special” mushrooms. The band reserves the song to punish fans who shout for Grendel too much.
The album received mixed reviews. FarQ magazine called the 15 minutes of silence at the end “the best thing the band has ever recorded”. “A poor review but a useful quote for the adverts!” said Luci.
Tenth Album – OK Computer
It transpired that the £200 given to the band by Frilly Pink was to be their recording and advertising budget for the whole three album deal. So the band realised they needed to sell some more albums to be able to continue. They liked a new band that also “weren’t prog” and decided to do an LP in the same style.
They raised money by playing concerts at a restaurant near their studio. They were stalked by the infamous “Bishop Stephen”; a religious fanatic who spent his life trying to ruin live albums by shouting out his name in the quiet bits.
The album is one of the band’s best. Songs like Not Many Surprises and Calmer Police were some how familiar but well received.
Eleventh Album – Victoriassecret.com
The name from this album came from a conversation between Luci and the band’s album designer; the plain speaking, dead Yorkshireman Brian Glover. She told him that the album was going to be named after the band’s website.
A rather puzzled Mr Glover hadn’t heard of the band’s website so he asked the band members the name of their favourite site. All five said the only site they had heard of was Victoriassecret.com as Mad Jack had shown them it on the ZX81 he uses to run his keyboards.
Luci was very angry when she saw the name of the finished LP in the shops. She was even madder when she saw the pictures of the “fans” inside. They looked surprisingly like the models on a certain lingerie website. Luci had been to one or two concerts and she was fairly sure that the average Marillion fan didn’t look like that in their underwear.
The album did not sell well. The band went busking around university campuses to raise some cash but, amazingly, around 2,000 fans appeared out of nowhere for each impromptu gig. Luci then realised that Marillion had a large number of people who would turn up if the band said they were opening an envelope in public. She went away to hatch a cunning plan that would save the band….
Album 12 – Prognophobia
As the new millennium came around, the band Mockillion were on their collective backsides. After being dropped by Evilemi five years before, now their indie record label had gone bust.
Mad Jack helpfully drew a picture for the band, showing how their record sales had dropped from ten million a month in 1985 to the current level. The sales figure for 1999 was actually negative as a result of Evilemi giving their best album away with copies of the BNP weekend newspaper (which actually holds quite moderate views when compared with the majority of the UK press).
The independent Frilly Pink label did not do very much for the band while they were in existence. When their marketing executive presented the budget for the promotion of the last album, the band were suspicious. Was his name really William Loney? Did the meeting really have to take place from a car boot sale in Dulwich? Did he really need to keep all the band’s profits as cash in a cardboard box under a bed?
At the meeting the budget figure presented looked impressive, however the band misread the currency. The number was actually in Italian Lira. It paid for a few photocopied leaflets, a poster in the Millets store in Mansfield and quarter page advert in Razzle.
Footnote: I am assured by sources close to the band that the advert was the result of a misunderstanding of the band’s suggestion that the album be marketed to fans of other musical genres. It has nothing to do with any band member having a subscription to said publication. No way, no sir-ee, absolutely not.
When news of the band’s imminent demise became public, loyal fans (some of whom still had a full head of hair back then) were dismayed. The answer came from an unusual place; America. Yes those crazy yankees had managed to put down their guns, burgers and crack pipes long enough to have an idea that was to save the band.
One morning, Luci opened a parcel from the colonies and found a tupperware box containing an internal organ from an American fan-boy/girl/thing. Luci put said organ on ebay and started the now infamous “Hey There American Fans - Who Needs Two Kidneys?” campaign. She sent out a letter to all fans on the US mailing list advising them that they could donate their “unused second kidney” to help the band record a new album. In return the fans would get a “special” copy of the new LP with their name written on the back in marker pen by a band member.
Footnote: the small print actually advised that the final copies would have names written on by “a band member, a helper, or the dog, but certainly by someone who has met a current or past band member at least once”).
The stateside fans were more than happy to visit dodgy mall based operating “theaters” to have the matter dealt with. The heath system in the good old USA is very different to the UK as they don’t pay for their healthcare via tax. This means those lucky buggers can spend their hard earned / stolen / laundered dollars on big cars, bigger TVs and even larger meals. If they need any medical attention, they simply go to Walmart and as quick as you can say “ten cartridges for my Uzi please” some spotty teenager will have undertaken the necessary procedure after looking it up on Wikipedia.
The money raised was sufficient to record the album and free Pete Tiswasas from the contract he had signed to play in a cross-dressing prog band on cruise liners from Dublin to New York.
The album signalled the beginning of a third golden age for the band. Everyone liked it. That is, of course, everyone except for FarQ magazine that called the album “A predictable progressive rock/heavy metal concept album in the Genesis style.”
Needless to say, Evilemi did not offer the band a reasonable contract and so they went “indie” with their next release. After minutes of looking in Melody Maker small ads, H decided on Frilly Pink records as their label matched his guitar.
Frilly Pink gave the band £200 in used fivers as an advance. Fortunately, President Mosley knew a few people in Aylesbury “who owed him” and he managed to purloin an industrial unit on a new development. “Those foundations could tell a few stories” is all he would say to the band.
The president also persuaded the band to take a new manager, Luci, who he had met at Evilemi. “Not because I fancy her!” he responded, rather defensively when people asked why he had recommended her.
The next album was a “mixed bag”. It includes one of their longest and best songs but also contains lesser material like 8 Days and No Hope For the Future. It transpired that the latter was recorded in Brazil after eating too many “special” mushrooms. The band reserves the song to punish fans who shout for Grendel too much.
The album received mixed reviews. FarQ magazine called the 15 minutes of silence at the end “the best thing the band has ever recorded”. “A poor review but a useful quote for the adverts!” said Luci.
Tenth Album – OK Computer
It transpired that the £200 given to the band by Frilly Pink was to be their recording and advertising budget for the whole three album deal. So the band realised they needed to sell some more albums to be able to continue. They liked a new band that also “weren’t prog” and decided to do an LP in the same style.
They raised money by playing concerts at a restaurant near their studio. They were stalked by the infamous “Bishop Stephen”; a religious fanatic who spent his life trying to ruin live albums by shouting out his name in the quiet bits.
The album is one of the band’s best. Songs like Not Many Surprises and Calmer Police were some how familiar but well received.
Eleventh Album – Victoriassecret.com
The name from this album came from a conversation between Luci and the band’s album designer; the plain speaking, dead Yorkshireman Brian Glover. She told him that the album was going to be named after the band’s website.
A rather puzzled Mr Glover hadn’t heard of the band’s website so he asked the band members the name of their favourite site. All five said the only site they had heard of was Victoriassecret.com as Mad Jack had shown them it on the ZX81 he uses to run his keyboards.
Luci was very angry when she saw the name of the finished LP in the shops. She was even madder when she saw the pictures of the “fans” inside. They looked surprisingly like the models on a certain lingerie website. Luci had been to one or two concerts and she was fairly sure that the average Marillion fan didn’t look like that in their underwear.
The album did not sell well. The band went busking around university campuses to raise some cash but, amazingly, around 2,000 fans appeared out of nowhere for each impromptu gig. Luci then realised that Marillion had a large number of people who would turn up if the band said they were opening an envelope in public. She went away to hatch a cunning plan that would save the band….
Album 12 – Prognophobia
As the new millennium came around, the band Mockillion were on their collective backsides. After being dropped by Evilemi five years before, now their indie record label had gone bust.
Mad Jack helpfully drew a picture for the band, showing how their record sales had dropped from ten million a month in 1985 to the current level. The sales figure for 1999 was actually negative as a result of Evilemi giving their best album away with copies of the BNP weekend newspaper (which actually holds quite moderate views when compared with the majority of the UK press).
The independent Frilly Pink label did not do very much for the band while they were in existence. When their marketing executive presented the budget for the promotion of the last album, the band were suspicious. Was his name really William Loney? Did the meeting really have to take place from a car boot sale in Dulwich? Did he really need to keep all the band’s profits as cash in a cardboard box under a bed?
At the meeting the budget figure presented looked impressive, however the band misread the currency. The number was actually in Italian Lira. It paid for a few photocopied leaflets, a poster in the Millets store in Mansfield and quarter page advert in Razzle.
Footnote: I am assured by sources close to the band that the advert was the result of a misunderstanding of the band’s suggestion that the album be marketed to fans of other musical genres. It has nothing to do with any band member having a subscription to said publication. No way, no sir-ee, absolutely not.
When news of the band’s imminent demise became public, loyal fans (some of whom still had a full head of hair back then) were dismayed. The answer came from an unusual place; America. Yes those crazy yankees had managed to put down their guns, burgers and crack pipes long enough to have an idea that was to save the band.
One morning, Luci opened a parcel from the colonies and found a tupperware box containing an internal organ from an American fan-boy/girl/thing. Luci put said organ on ebay and started the now infamous “Hey There American Fans - Who Needs Two Kidneys?” campaign. She sent out a letter to all fans on the US mailing list advising them that they could donate their “unused second kidney” to help the band record a new album. In return the fans would get a “special” copy of the new LP with their name written on the back in marker pen by a band member.
Footnote: the small print actually advised that the final copies would have names written on by “a band member, a helper, or the dog, but certainly by someone who has met a current or past band member at least once”).
The stateside fans were more than happy to visit dodgy mall based operating “theaters” to have the matter dealt with. The heath system in the good old USA is very different to the UK as they don’t pay for their healthcare via tax. This means those lucky buggers can spend their hard earned / stolen / laundered dollars on big cars, bigger TVs and even larger meals. If they need any medical attention, they simply go to Walmart and as quick as you can say “ten cartridges for my Uzi please” some spotty teenager will have undertaken the necessary procedure after looking it up on Wikipedia.
The money raised was sufficient to record the album and free Pete Tiswasas from the contract he had signed to play in a cross-dressing prog band on cruise liners from Dublin to New York.
The album signalled the beginning of a third golden age for the band. Everyone liked it. That is, of course, everyone except for FarQ magazine that called the album “A predictable progressive rock/heavy metal concept album in the Genesis style.”