MWs - An Idiots Guide
MW1 : “What if this is as good as it gets?”
The first MW was held in a small converted borstal. The “concert hall” was a rickety shed on the wet and windy north south-west coast of England. The band had the crazy idea of playing their best and most popular music, a rather ridiculous notion that was abandoned after the third MW.
The first night consisted of a set list of the fans’ favourite songs. When most of these transpired to be from the 80’s, someone at Rickets Records put one of the band’s worst songs (Dry Sand) on the list as a joke. It went down well with the drunken fans and seeded the “worst songs for the MW” theme that followed, but more of that later.
At MW1, H was unhappy that the song that topped the list (Ramblings over a Scotsman’s Beer) wasn’t sung by him originally and so he refused to sing it which was a big relief for all the fans as they hadn’t paid good money to see a professional singer perform the song. No, they wanted to hear a few hundred drunk, balding, middle aged, tone deaf idiots sing it. And that’s what they got.
H was consoled when the band scribbled one of his songs at the top of the list as the “zeroth” entry and persuaded him (after several pints of Skol) that this was better than being “first”.
The second night consisted of the performance of the band’s best album (Untitled), the visual highlight of which was H dressing up as a school girl and being pulled off by two masked men. The band made a few quid and began to realise that there is more to life than trying to be loved by everyone.
MW2 : “Its all downhill from here”
The second MW took place in a slightly better location; a former prison on the wet and windy north south-west coast of England.
The band played what was then their second best album and brought on a couple of scantily dressed ladies at the start which pleased the drunk, balding, middle aged, tone deaf idiots no end. It was a great success but, unfortunately the fans' reaction went completely to the band members' heads. They scrapped the set list for the second night and instead wrote down all of their songs that they found most difficult to play, put them in a bucket and said “we’ll pick songs out at random”.
Now, anyone that knows the band, knows this just isn’t how they normally behave. They usually ponder over set lists, carefully put them together and then rehearse them over and over. What came over the band members that dark night is not known but rumours (started here) suggest that the band returned to “old habits” involving “special” mushrooms and went mad for a bit.
The matter all came to a head in the train crash that was “Inferior Petula Clark” when they completely lost the plot and, halfway through, all started playing different songs. It sounded remarkably like Dream Theater.
Still, the fans loved them and even more flocked to book for MW3, despite the proposed country and western theme.
MW3 – “Free at last, by Rothers, free at last”
The MW is commonly used by band members as an excuse to let it all hang out and explore the darker side of their psyches. H’s penchant for dressing like “a ladieee” is now well established but, until MW3, little was known about the President’s love of all things Country & Western. As he is the only band member Luci trusts with the PIN number for the band’s ATM card, he has a fair amount of control when it comes to band matters. He rarely exercises this power but MW3 was an exception when he insisted on a C&W night. After the Petula Clark fiasco at the previous MW, the band had carefully selected and rehearsed the sets for the Friday and Saturday nights so they decided to play a the C&W set on the Sunday when they hoped most of the fans would have gone home. Each band member chose a song to sing; the President’s version of Folsom Prison Blues was a highlight and Pete's prog version of There's A Guy Works Down the Chipshop Swears He's Elvis was notable for the 20 minute bass solo, however H’s version of Standby Your Man was somewhat worrying.
The Friday night set was possibly the best concert the band have ever played. They performed for the first (and last) time, the whole of the amazing “Conkers” album. The brilliant performance was not even marred by H deciding to have a haircut that made him look like a cross between Shakin’ Stevens and a Top Gear presenter.
For the Saturday night, the band decided to let some of the drunken fans play or sing with the band. Mad Jack asked if the gig could have a Celtic theme. Luci agreed, but was unsure what MJ meant so she ensured most of the drunken fan that played with the band were from Wales. One guitarist played so well that some particularly idiotic fan shouted “sack Rothers” after his performance. Uber-God Rothers was not pleased and smote said fan with the terrible PHG curse. For those unfamiliar with this awful spell, it condemns the recipient to a lifetime listening to Post Hackett Genesis. Poor sod.
Luci had spread a rumour at a warm up gig that, for the last song, a “certain tall Scottish man” would be joining the band. Despite her comments, fans were not disappointed when a tribute band singer turned up with the band on stage to sing Sudoku. This was the first time the band had played a song from the classic Sudoku album in almost 20 years and the performance caused scenes in the crowd akin to the falling of the Berlin Wall, the liberation of Paris or Nelson Mandela’s walk from prison.
While the MWs were very popular, they involved a lot planning and rehearsal. The band realised that the events had become far too much like hard work but were too scared to tell Luci. Then Pete came up with a plan that was sure to see an end to the tiresome MWs for good.
MW4 : “There’s trouble at t’prog mill”
The band reluctantly agreed to another MW after Luci told them she had changed the venue to one by a beach, not too far from Amsterdam. The band were still complaining about having to “work” two days a week in preparation and spent most of the time arguing about set lists. After a particularly fractious quarrel over which album to play, Luci made two band members sit on the Ricket Records naughty step and told them she would decide the set lists. Pete gave a Machiavellian grin as he hoped this would give them the break from the tiresome MWs they were all hoping for.
So, what do you get when Luci decides a set list? Abba, the Beatles, Britney Spears, Keane and a song from the X Factor quarter finals, that’s what you get. You also get what was then one of the band’s worst albums which contains the second worst song the band ever recorded, the prophetic “No Hope for the Future”. On top of that, she said she really liked the songs the band were recording at the time and persuaded them to play her favourites (she particularly liked the one about the Chinaman’s hat).
The band were dismayed when the fans lapped up all of Luci’s choices. On the Saturday night, in between cover versions, they even added a few of their worst songs, some of which weren’t even good enough to get on Holidays in Spiceworld. But the fans just sang along, clapped and cheered. It was almost as if they were too drunk to care and were just enjoying getting away from their computers for a few days.
It was amazing that any one got drunk as the “beer” was sold in thimbles for €20 each. The owner of the venue knew that dutch rock fans drank very little as they were usually out of their heads on weed. He was therefore amazed at the combined beer drinking power of the British, German and Norwegian fans. Especially the Norwegians who manged to carry on drinking non-stop for three days and nights, using a beer loaded intravenous drip to enable them to sleep for a couple of hours on Sunday morning.
So the weekend was a great success and the band admitted that they had enjoyed themselves. Luci got to hear the band play her favourite songs and all was well in the world. They were about to release Something Else and nothing could go wrong…
MW5: “If Mr Dick is in the tent, could he please come to the stage? This is not a joke.”
After the success of MW4, the pendulum swing of fickle fandom swung once more, this time away from the band. Despite Luci’s enthusiasm for the Chinaman’s Hat Song, many of the bald headed idiots did not like the songs on Something Else. The band decided to take the set list for MW5 back into their own hands to try and win them round.
For the first night they decided to go back to playing one of their best albums. For the second they played some of the best songs they’ve done with H and for the last night they promised a progtastic set of long songs. They even decided to play “the K song” despite many of the computer bound fools that masqueraded as fans on the band’s internet forum saying they don’t like it.
While planning MW5, the band realised that forum regulars were not necessarily representative of the cross section of people who go to their concerts when a forum poll said the band’s best song was the No One Can’t and the best album was Holidays in Spiceworld. Even H had to admit that there was something seriously wrong with these people.
Aside: this was after Mad Jack had explained to him what the forum was. This, in turn, was after he told H about the internet, computers and electricity – H had previously thought that electrical things worked by magic.
The weekend went well. Well, at least until the band drew lots to meet different fans in their cottages. H drew the Norwegian house and disappeared for around 5 hours. When the band were ready to play they couldn’t find him and put a call out for a tribute band singer to join them. When they couldn’t find a tribute band singer they were desperate enough to try anyone but fortunately a rather worse for wear H arrived at the stage.
While H can clearly hold his beer, the Norwegians didn’t quite understand his aversion for anything piscine and gave him some roll mop herring which almost put him in a coma. He was brought round by Rothers threatening to play the entire album Sudoku at the next MW. This quickly sobered the ailing singer and the band played a stormer. The K song and the dilly-dilly song went down particularly well and the finale of Nevermind brought the house down.
The pendulum of fickle fandom seemed to have swung back and all was well with the world. The band would never listen to forum members again when considering set lists and wisely decided they certainly wouldn’t be playing any songs from the risible “Holidays” album at the next MW…
MW6: “Becalm beneath, my arse!”
Well, what can be said for the sixth MW which was attended by over 5,000 people in three different countries?
For starters, the Friday night provided unquestionable proof of the Quantum Marillo Paradox (QMP) theory. To explain this, I will hand over to TV Astrologer, Prof Bryan Cocks: “In quantum theory an electron is can be in 42 places at the same time, travelling at the speed of light until looked at by a dead cat. This cat can be alive at the same time (praise Jesus) and can also be in 42 places but the exclusion theorem means the cat and the electron cannot be in the same place. Or something. Anyway the Marillo Weekends are just like that.”
What I think Prof Cocks is saying is that the best band in the world can still produce some of the worst songs ever written, but that itself is not the paradox. The paradox is that, when played a tent full of drunken, balding idiots these same songs turn to aural nectar that lift the soul and lighten the heart. This is either the effect of the QMP or those funny cigarettes that my missis gave me before the gig to stop me complaining and shouting for Grendel during No One Can’t.
On the Saturday night the band decided not to test the QMP too much and played a rather excellent set list consisting of some of their best songs. Now, we all know that too much of a good thing can make your head explode, so to avoid all that mess, the band changed the set list a little at the last minute to take out all the Fishoutofmarillion songs that the fans love to hear. They kept in one old song which no one (including Fishoutofmarillon himself) can sing without stumbling over the complicated similes, metaphors and references to classical literature. H was to sing the song but when he read the lyric sheet in rehearsals he had a ceasure. “Becalm beneath my arse” he said “I’m not singing that bollox” and flounced off to write a solo LP with the old fella from the Porkies (you know, the chap who sits in the corner at Porkies gigs and makes funny noises with his mini Moog). Despite the lack of old material, the gig went down a storm.
On the Sunday, Mr H was locked in a shed to stop him eating any more mop roll herring and the fans were given glow sticks so they could vote for their favorite songs. The fans came from all over the European Union so the band decided that it would be good idea to let them vote on the best set list. After all, the Europeans are at their best when working together democratically for the greater good, right?
So what happened? The Brits voted to leave the tent and spent the rest of the evening outside; unhappy, cold and complaining how the UK MW would be much better. The Greeks decided the glow sticks were too heavy, and put them down while they had a rest, expecting everyone else to buy them drinks. The Germans paid for the Greeks’ drinks but insisted in IOUs (which the Greeks used as roll ups). The Norwegians got drunk, the Italians had sex and the French went to the platform at the back so they could look down from the rest of the crowd with a lofty distain.
Despite MW06 consisting of bad songs, missing lyrics and the start of the breakup of the European Union, it was considered a success. The QMP was proven and the band returned to the studio where they hoped a new album would appear, if they wished for it long enough….
The first MW was held in a small converted borstal. The “concert hall” was a rickety shed on the wet and windy north south-west coast of England. The band had the crazy idea of playing their best and most popular music, a rather ridiculous notion that was abandoned after the third MW.
The first night consisted of a set list of the fans’ favourite songs. When most of these transpired to be from the 80’s, someone at Rickets Records put one of the band’s worst songs (Dry Sand) on the list as a joke. It went down well with the drunken fans and seeded the “worst songs for the MW” theme that followed, but more of that later.
At MW1, H was unhappy that the song that topped the list (Ramblings over a Scotsman’s Beer) wasn’t sung by him originally and so he refused to sing it which was a big relief for all the fans as they hadn’t paid good money to see a professional singer perform the song. No, they wanted to hear a few hundred drunk, balding, middle aged, tone deaf idiots sing it. And that’s what they got.
H was consoled when the band scribbled one of his songs at the top of the list as the “zeroth” entry and persuaded him (after several pints of Skol) that this was better than being “first”.
The second night consisted of the performance of the band’s best album (Untitled), the visual highlight of which was H dressing up as a school girl and being pulled off by two masked men. The band made a few quid and began to realise that there is more to life than trying to be loved by everyone.
MW2 : “Its all downhill from here”
The second MW took place in a slightly better location; a former prison on the wet and windy north south-west coast of England.
The band played what was then their second best album and brought on a couple of scantily dressed ladies at the start which pleased the drunk, balding, middle aged, tone deaf idiots no end. It was a great success but, unfortunately the fans' reaction went completely to the band members' heads. They scrapped the set list for the second night and instead wrote down all of their songs that they found most difficult to play, put them in a bucket and said “we’ll pick songs out at random”.
Now, anyone that knows the band, knows this just isn’t how they normally behave. They usually ponder over set lists, carefully put them together and then rehearse them over and over. What came over the band members that dark night is not known but rumours (started here) suggest that the band returned to “old habits” involving “special” mushrooms and went mad for a bit.
The matter all came to a head in the train crash that was “Inferior Petula Clark” when they completely lost the plot and, halfway through, all started playing different songs. It sounded remarkably like Dream Theater.
Still, the fans loved them and even more flocked to book for MW3, despite the proposed country and western theme.
MW3 – “Free at last, by Rothers, free at last”
The MW is commonly used by band members as an excuse to let it all hang out and explore the darker side of their psyches. H’s penchant for dressing like “a ladieee” is now well established but, until MW3, little was known about the President’s love of all things Country & Western. As he is the only band member Luci trusts with the PIN number for the band’s ATM card, he has a fair amount of control when it comes to band matters. He rarely exercises this power but MW3 was an exception when he insisted on a C&W night. After the Petula Clark fiasco at the previous MW, the band had carefully selected and rehearsed the sets for the Friday and Saturday nights so they decided to play a the C&W set on the Sunday when they hoped most of the fans would have gone home. Each band member chose a song to sing; the President’s version of Folsom Prison Blues was a highlight and Pete's prog version of There's A Guy Works Down the Chipshop Swears He's Elvis was notable for the 20 minute bass solo, however H’s version of Standby Your Man was somewhat worrying.
The Friday night set was possibly the best concert the band have ever played. They performed for the first (and last) time, the whole of the amazing “Conkers” album. The brilliant performance was not even marred by H deciding to have a haircut that made him look like a cross between Shakin’ Stevens and a Top Gear presenter.
For the Saturday night, the band decided to let some of the drunken fans play or sing with the band. Mad Jack asked if the gig could have a Celtic theme. Luci agreed, but was unsure what MJ meant so she ensured most of the drunken fan that played with the band were from Wales. One guitarist played so well that some particularly idiotic fan shouted “sack Rothers” after his performance. Uber-God Rothers was not pleased and smote said fan with the terrible PHG curse. For those unfamiliar with this awful spell, it condemns the recipient to a lifetime listening to Post Hackett Genesis. Poor sod.
Luci had spread a rumour at a warm up gig that, for the last song, a “certain tall Scottish man” would be joining the band. Despite her comments, fans were not disappointed when a tribute band singer turned up with the band on stage to sing Sudoku. This was the first time the band had played a song from the classic Sudoku album in almost 20 years and the performance caused scenes in the crowd akin to the falling of the Berlin Wall, the liberation of Paris or Nelson Mandela’s walk from prison.
While the MWs were very popular, they involved a lot planning and rehearsal. The band realised that the events had become far too much like hard work but were too scared to tell Luci. Then Pete came up with a plan that was sure to see an end to the tiresome MWs for good.
MW4 : “There’s trouble at t’prog mill”
The band reluctantly agreed to another MW after Luci told them she had changed the venue to one by a beach, not too far from Amsterdam. The band were still complaining about having to “work” two days a week in preparation and spent most of the time arguing about set lists. After a particularly fractious quarrel over which album to play, Luci made two band members sit on the Ricket Records naughty step and told them she would decide the set lists. Pete gave a Machiavellian grin as he hoped this would give them the break from the tiresome MWs they were all hoping for.
So, what do you get when Luci decides a set list? Abba, the Beatles, Britney Spears, Keane and a song from the X Factor quarter finals, that’s what you get. You also get what was then one of the band’s worst albums which contains the second worst song the band ever recorded, the prophetic “No Hope for the Future”. On top of that, she said she really liked the songs the band were recording at the time and persuaded them to play her favourites (she particularly liked the one about the Chinaman’s hat).
The band were dismayed when the fans lapped up all of Luci’s choices. On the Saturday night, in between cover versions, they even added a few of their worst songs, some of which weren’t even good enough to get on Holidays in Spiceworld. But the fans just sang along, clapped and cheered. It was almost as if they were too drunk to care and were just enjoying getting away from their computers for a few days.
It was amazing that any one got drunk as the “beer” was sold in thimbles for €20 each. The owner of the venue knew that dutch rock fans drank very little as they were usually out of their heads on weed. He was therefore amazed at the combined beer drinking power of the British, German and Norwegian fans. Especially the Norwegians who manged to carry on drinking non-stop for three days and nights, using a beer loaded intravenous drip to enable them to sleep for a couple of hours on Sunday morning.
So the weekend was a great success and the band admitted that they had enjoyed themselves. Luci got to hear the band play her favourite songs and all was well in the world. They were about to release Something Else and nothing could go wrong…
MW5: “If Mr Dick is in the tent, could he please come to the stage? This is not a joke.”
After the success of MW4, the pendulum swing of fickle fandom swung once more, this time away from the band. Despite Luci’s enthusiasm for the Chinaman’s Hat Song, many of the bald headed idiots did not like the songs on Something Else. The band decided to take the set list for MW5 back into their own hands to try and win them round.
For the first night they decided to go back to playing one of their best albums. For the second they played some of the best songs they’ve done with H and for the last night they promised a progtastic set of long songs. They even decided to play “the K song” despite many of the computer bound fools that masqueraded as fans on the band’s internet forum saying they don’t like it.
While planning MW5, the band realised that forum regulars were not necessarily representative of the cross section of people who go to their concerts when a forum poll said the band’s best song was the No One Can’t and the best album was Holidays in Spiceworld. Even H had to admit that there was something seriously wrong with these people.
Aside: this was after Mad Jack had explained to him what the forum was. This, in turn, was after he told H about the internet, computers and electricity – H had previously thought that electrical things worked by magic.
The weekend went well. Well, at least until the band drew lots to meet different fans in their cottages. H drew the Norwegian house and disappeared for around 5 hours. When the band were ready to play they couldn’t find him and put a call out for a tribute band singer to join them. When they couldn’t find a tribute band singer they were desperate enough to try anyone but fortunately a rather worse for wear H arrived at the stage.
While H can clearly hold his beer, the Norwegians didn’t quite understand his aversion for anything piscine and gave him some roll mop herring which almost put him in a coma. He was brought round by Rothers threatening to play the entire album Sudoku at the next MW. This quickly sobered the ailing singer and the band played a stormer. The K song and the dilly-dilly song went down particularly well and the finale of Nevermind brought the house down.
The pendulum of fickle fandom seemed to have swung back and all was well with the world. The band would never listen to forum members again when considering set lists and wisely decided they certainly wouldn’t be playing any songs from the risible “Holidays” album at the next MW…
MW6: “Becalm beneath, my arse!”
Well, what can be said for the sixth MW which was attended by over 5,000 people in three different countries?
For starters, the Friday night provided unquestionable proof of the Quantum Marillo Paradox (QMP) theory. To explain this, I will hand over to TV Astrologer, Prof Bryan Cocks: “In quantum theory an electron is can be in 42 places at the same time, travelling at the speed of light until looked at by a dead cat. This cat can be alive at the same time (praise Jesus) and can also be in 42 places but the exclusion theorem means the cat and the electron cannot be in the same place. Or something. Anyway the Marillo Weekends are just like that.”
What I think Prof Cocks is saying is that the best band in the world can still produce some of the worst songs ever written, but that itself is not the paradox. The paradox is that, when played a tent full of drunken, balding idiots these same songs turn to aural nectar that lift the soul and lighten the heart. This is either the effect of the QMP or those funny cigarettes that my missis gave me before the gig to stop me complaining and shouting for Grendel during No One Can’t.
On the Saturday night the band decided not to test the QMP too much and played a rather excellent set list consisting of some of their best songs. Now, we all know that too much of a good thing can make your head explode, so to avoid all that mess, the band changed the set list a little at the last minute to take out all the Fishoutofmarillion songs that the fans love to hear. They kept in one old song which no one (including Fishoutofmarillon himself) can sing without stumbling over the complicated similes, metaphors and references to classical literature. H was to sing the song but when he read the lyric sheet in rehearsals he had a ceasure. “Becalm beneath my arse” he said “I’m not singing that bollox” and flounced off to write a solo LP with the old fella from the Porkies (you know, the chap who sits in the corner at Porkies gigs and makes funny noises with his mini Moog). Despite the lack of old material, the gig went down a storm.
On the Sunday, Mr H was locked in a shed to stop him eating any more mop roll herring and the fans were given glow sticks so they could vote for their favorite songs. The fans came from all over the European Union so the band decided that it would be good idea to let them vote on the best set list. After all, the Europeans are at their best when working together democratically for the greater good, right?
So what happened? The Brits voted to leave the tent and spent the rest of the evening outside; unhappy, cold and complaining how the UK MW would be much better. The Greeks decided the glow sticks were too heavy, and put them down while they had a rest, expecting everyone else to buy them drinks. The Germans paid for the Greeks’ drinks but insisted in IOUs (which the Greeks used as roll ups). The Norwegians got drunk, the Italians had sex and the French went to the platform at the back so they could look down from the rest of the crowd with a lofty distain.
Despite MW06 consisting of bad songs, missing lyrics and the start of the breakup of the European Union, it was considered a success. The QMP was proven and the band returned to the studio where they hoped a new album would appear, if they wished for it long enough….