A FAQ is pretty much impossible as fans will ask questions then disagree if they don’t like the answer. With this in mind, I have provided a FAQ with multiple answers so everyone is happy.
Feel free to choose your preferred answer or make your own one up.
Why don’t the band play old songs on tour?
a) They do, they play Easter on most tours
b) Because H refuses
c) Just to annoy you
d) Because the new stuff is much better
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why don’t the band do a few gigs with the “old singer”?
a) They did one for a laugh, that was enough
b) He can’t sing as well as he used to
c) He can’t sing the "old songs" as well as H
d) Unlike <Kiss/Quo/Yes/Def Leppard/insert band name here> they don’t want to become their own tribute band
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why does the “new singer” have such a problem singing “old songs”
a) He doesn’t like the reaction of the fans
b) He doesn’t like singing crossword puzzles
c) Don’t blame H, blame God
d) Because the new stuff is much better
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why does the God have such a problem playing “old songs”
a) He doesn’t like the reaction of the fans
b) He prefers Floyd to Genesis nowadays
c) Don’t blame god, blame H
d) Because the new stuff is much better
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why does the band take so long to record an album?
a) They’re perfectionists
b) They’re lazy
c) They’d rather mess about drinking cocktails, dressing as women and singing Abba songs
d) Because they are busy counting their money
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why are the conventions in Holland and not my back yard?
a) Holland is the only place the band can get the really “good stuff”
b) Its more central for many European fans
c) It’s a great venue and there is lots to do in between gigs (as well as drinking)
d) You live in a s***hole
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why doesn’t the band play my home town on tour?
See d) above
Why doesn’t the band go on the MOLF much?
a) Have you read the MOLF?
b) Seriously have you?
c) Then you’ll know why
d) Its amazing Luci doesn’t close it down
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why do people like the awful Holidays album?
a) They are idiots
b) They don’t; it’s a bit of an in joke, like Grendel, the Wurzels or Mornington Crescent
c) They don’t, but don’t like to admit it
d) Its not that bad. Cough.
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Mad Jack called Mad Jack?
a) In the early 90s he shaved off his prized mullet and turned it into a feather duster for his keyboards.
b) Following his arrested for arson during the recording of Apostrophe's End when half a village was burnt down by an "home-made hot air balloon", Mad Jack joined Pyromaniac's Anonymous.
c) Along with other megalomaniacs and pyromaniacs from the music world (e.g Nick 'Gas-can' Mason, Dave 'Strike-a-light' Rowntree, 'Sparky' Ed O'Brien, Billy 'Bang-Bang' Bragg), Mad Jack formed a subversive, underground organisation known as the Featured Arsonists Coalition with plans to burn down the EMI headquarters building.
d) He was so upset by the fan reaction to Something Else that on subsequent tours he decided to attach flick knives to his shoes in order to pop annoying inflatable rhinos thrown in by the crowd.
e) His name isn't really Jack - how mad is that?
The band's 1995 concept Album “Untitled” is...
a) About a mysterious young woman, found wandering on the M4 Motorway bridge over the Bristol Channel, with amnesia.
b) Often rated highly by the fans - except by those idiots who find it dull and tuneless.
c) Much better sounding in its US Remastered form, according to H.
d) About 30 minutes too short/long (delete as necessary).
e) It's just the way it is. They're only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
'Privit Hedge' is...
a) Innocent.
b) Still happily employed in the Music Business, working for inferior acts (who sell more records).
c) Useful for enclosing areas of lawn.
d) A notable former FOH Sound Engineer for the band, who played a major part in establishing their live sound.
e) It's just the way it is. They're only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Mike “Mike Hunter” Hunter is...
a) Eloping with several female members of the MOLF, any day now.
b) A damn fine human being, style icon, man about town and gifted rock producer, whose open and more organic mixes on recent albums have allowed the band's output to breath and evolve, in comparison to the highly polished, production of his predecessor that I can't think of a funny name for..
c) Hurting my other arm, as I type this.
d) A Toffeenose.
e) He's just the way he is. They're only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
The Racket Club is...
a) Closely guarded by a highly trained herd of killer Squonk.
b) Visible only on a full moon to the 7th Earl of Mar.
c) Somewhere near Aylesbury.
d) So difficult to find even the band members get lost which is why it takes so bloody long for them to record an album.
e) It's just the way it is. They're only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Luci is...
a) Gifted.
b) Kind.
c) Beautiful.
d) Fragrant.
e) In possession of the number of some highly effective solicitors and therefore all of the above
Any additional suggestions for questions (& answers as I’m pretty lazy and occasionally have to do some work) can be emailed to me at: [email protected]
Feel free to choose your preferred answer or make your own one up.
Why don’t the band play old songs on tour?
a) They do, they play Easter on most tours
b) Because H refuses
c) Just to annoy you
d) Because the new stuff is much better
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why don’t the band do a few gigs with the “old singer”?
a) They did one for a laugh, that was enough
b) He can’t sing as well as he used to
c) He can’t sing the "old songs" as well as H
d) Unlike <Kiss/Quo/Yes/Def Leppard/insert band name here> they don’t want to become their own tribute band
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why does the “new singer” have such a problem singing “old songs”
a) He doesn’t like the reaction of the fans
b) He doesn’t like singing crossword puzzles
c) Don’t blame H, blame God
d) Because the new stuff is much better
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why does the God have such a problem playing “old songs”
a) He doesn’t like the reaction of the fans
b) He prefers Floyd to Genesis nowadays
c) Don’t blame god, blame H
d) Because the new stuff is much better
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why does the band take so long to record an album?
a) They’re perfectionists
b) They’re lazy
c) They’d rather mess about drinking cocktails, dressing as women and singing Abba songs
d) Because they are busy counting their money
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why are the conventions in Holland and not my back yard?
a) Holland is the only place the band can get the really “good stuff”
b) Its more central for many European fans
c) It’s a great venue and there is lots to do in between gigs (as well as drinking)
d) You live in a s***hole
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why doesn’t the band play my home town on tour?
See d) above
Why doesn’t the band go on the MOLF much?
a) Have you read the MOLF?
b) Seriously have you?
c) Then you’ll know why
d) Its amazing Luci doesn’t close it down
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Why do people like the awful Holidays album?
a) They are idiots
b) They don’t; it’s a bit of an in joke, like Grendel, the Wurzels or Mornington Crescent
c) They don’t, but don’t like to admit it
d) Its not that bad. Cough.
e) It’s just the way it is. They’re only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Mad Jack called Mad Jack?
a) In the early 90s he shaved off his prized mullet and turned it into a feather duster for his keyboards.
b) Following his arrested for arson during the recording of Apostrophe's End when half a village was burnt down by an "home-made hot air balloon", Mad Jack joined Pyromaniac's Anonymous.
c) Along with other megalomaniacs and pyromaniacs from the music world (e.g Nick 'Gas-can' Mason, Dave 'Strike-a-light' Rowntree, 'Sparky' Ed O'Brien, Billy 'Bang-Bang' Bragg), Mad Jack formed a subversive, underground organisation known as the Featured Arsonists Coalition with plans to burn down the EMI headquarters building.
d) He was so upset by the fan reaction to Something Else that on subsequent tours he decided to attach flick knives to his shoes in order to pop annoying inflatable rhinos thrown in by the crowd.
e) His name isn't really Jack - how mad is that?
The band's 1995 concept Album “Untitled” is...
a) About a mysterious young woman, found wandering on the M4 Motorway bridge over the Bristol Channel, with amnesia.
b) Often rated highly by the fans - except by those idiots who find it dull and tuneless.
c) Much better sounding in its US Remastered form, according to H.
d) About 30 minutes too short/long (delete as necessary).
e) It's just the way it is. They're only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
'Privit Hedge' is...
a) Innocent.
b) Still happily employed in the Music Business, working for inferior acts (who sell more records).
c) Useful for enclosing areas of lawn.
d) A notable former FOH Sound Engineer for the band, who played a major part in establishing their live sound.
e) It's just the way it is. They're only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Mike “Mike Hunter” Hunter is...
a) Eloping with several female members of the MOLF, any day now.
b) A damn fine human being, style icon, man about town and gifted rock producer, whose open and more organic mixes on recent albums have allowed the band's output to breath and evolve, in comparison to the highly polished, production of his predecessor that I can't think of a funny name for..
c) Hurting my other arm, as I type this.
d) A Toffeenose.
e) He's just the way he is. They're only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
The Racket Club is...
a) Closely guarded by a highly trained herd of killer Squonk.
b) Visible only on a full moon to the 7th Earl of Mar.
c) Somewhere near Aylesbury.
d) So difficult to find even the band members get lost which is why it takes so bloody long for them to record an album.
e) It's just the way it is. They're only a rock band, there are much more important things in life to get worked up about. Get over it.
Luci is...
a) Gifted.
b) Kind.
c) Beautiful.
d) Fragrant.
e) In possession of the number of some highly effective solicitors and therefore all of the above
Any additional suggestions for questions (& answers as I’m pretty lazy and occasionally have to do some work) can be emailed to me at: [email protected]