2nd June 2016 - Behind the Scenes at H's "Special" Party
At a country house in Buckinghamshire, a familiar couple are talking while their staff take away their empty dinner plates.
Pres Mosley: Well that’s dinner over, time to get dressed up in the Naval Commander and the milk maid outfits!
Luci: But darling, it’s Thursday, not Friday.
PM: I know, I was referring to h’s special party tonight. It’s fancy dress.
Luci: Special party? Has h finally accepted his age?
PM: Who knows with that man, it’s just as likely he thinks it’s Christmas or something!
Luci: Well as we’re going out, perhaps for a change I should wear the milk maid outfit and you wear the Naval uniform?
PM (dejectedly): Alright, if we must.
Later that night, at the luxurious Racket Records sauna, health club and recording studio complex, the party is in full swing. Peter Tiswasas is introducing a new member of staff:
PT: Listen up every one, before h arrives, I have an announcement. We are pleased to introduce our newest teaboy, Marikk Nikkson from Holland.
MN: Hello everyone, I am from Holland. I do not know of thish band, no shir-ree, but I am looking shorward to working for shoo.
Rothers: Wait a minute, are you sure you are from Holland? You look an awful lot like one of those Lardy Lads fans that we had to get a restraining order for?
MN: No, I am not, as you say, a Lardy Lad, I am Marikk Nikkson from Holland. I do not know of thish band, no shir-ree. If I was a Lardy Lad, I would have to be pretty mad to move to Holland, chansh my name and apply for a job with this shilly accent just so I can get around the reshtraining order and continue my collection of band membersh nail clippingsh, used handkerchiefs and bits of hair I would find on chairsh. I am certainly not that man. I am from Holland. One lump or two?
Mad Jack: You look awfully familiar to me. Aren’t you the guy who gave us the film of Rod Hull falling from his roof to accompany the song, Out of the Sky?
MN: No, no shir-re. I am from Holland, I do not know of this Rod Hull of witsh you shpeak. I have to go now. Not to empty your bathroom binsh for my bizarre collection, but to make shome speschail tea for Mr h.
Marikk hurries away towards the bathroom.
Mad Jack: So Rothers, has h finally accepted his age?
Rothers: Who knows. When he said it was his “special” party, I assumed he had, but you never know with that man. It’s just as likely he thinks it’s Christmas or something. That sounds like him coming now.
H (dressed as Santa Clause): Ho ho ho, merry Christmas everyone!
Mad Jack: Good grief!
Rothers: Now then h, we need to have a word. Hasn’t this charade gone on too long?
H: Well I was about to make an announcement to that effect and then I remembered the current Mrs h.
Rothers: Doesn’t she know?
H: No, I told her I was 42!
The current Mrs h appears: Merry Christmas everyone!
Everyone, hesitantly: Merry Christmas!!
7th May 2016 - Rothers Army - Back By Popular Demand
It’s backstage at the Ramblin’ Drunk festival and the ever unpopular Pencildwarf have just finished their set on the Prog stage. Their frontman, Nick Spode, has wandered into the Rothers Army tent where the platoon are preparing to headline.
Captain Rothers: Attention!
The entire band stand to attention apart from Private h who is staring at a point in the distance.
Captain Rothers: Private h, just what do you think you are doing?
Private h: Get off my case, man, I just want to hook up with some chicks and get funky.
Captain Rothers: I can’t understand a word of what you’re saying, you stupid boy!
Private Tiswasas: I’m very sorry Captain but I fear it’s all my fault. My sister Dolly made some soup for me to bring today, but I only found out too late that she bought the mushrooms from a less than reputable character called Erikk. I think Private h had too much of the soup and now appears somewhat out of sorts.
Spode appears: Oh dear, oh dear. Looks like you lefty softies are in a fix. It’s all because of those immigrants you know, coming over here with their funny ideas. Erikk is not from round here is he? I expect he’s a part of the conspiracy for refugees to turn the whole of this green and pleasant land into a Muslim state!
Sergeant Mosely: I say Spode, do you think that’s awfully likely?
Spode: It is and anyone who says otherwise should be deported! This hippy lad will be the first out when me and Nigel Farage get into power. What’s your name lad?
Captain Rothers: Don’t tell him h!
Spode writes the name down in his little black book.
Spode: h, even I can spell that one!
Captain Rothers: Typical nasty UKIP trick. You’ll never win you know, those prog fans are not a load of Daily Mail reading idiots. They are a load of Guardian reading idiots and they have no time for your right wing posturing.
Lance-Corporal Mad Jack: Don’t panic! Don’t panic! I’ve found this big Scottish fella who promises to sort old Spode out for good.
APR Warden Dick appears: Now then Napoleon, it sounds like you need a hand. I’ll take old Spode out a sit on him until he changes his tune, on one condition. Let me sing one of my old songs with you at the end of the gig.
All of the band: “No thank you”.
10th May 2016 - Continued...
Spode: Ha, ha, ha. You’ve no chance of performing now. You’ll have to let that old fella who plays the flute and sings through his nose headline. But wait a minute, who’s this…
Everyone: It’s Lord Longdon of Longleat from Seconds Out era Genesis tribute band; Posh Prog Tram.
Lord Longdon of Longleat: I say Rothers old chum, you seem to be in a bit of a fix. Who is this awful oink!
Captain Rothers: It’s Spode from Pencildwarf. He’s in league with the paranoid far right and seems intent on deporting our singer who is away with the fairies at the best of times but now seems particularly distracted.
Private h: Hey man, I am still here. Let’s all fly to the moon and dance with pixies. Just look at the moon, the mooooon.
Lord Longdon of Longleat: Oh dear, we’ll deal with you later. First of all, Spode, my good man, let me point out the error of your ways.
Spode: But surely you, the poshest man in Prog, will sympathise with my cause?
Lord Longdon of Longleat: Gads, no. Without people coming to the country that are willing to undertake jobs with dreadful working conditions, where would this country be? I’ll tell you where, with no train lines, no canals and I’d have no proletariat to romanticise in my patronising lyrics. Let ‘em all in, I say, just as long as they stay downstairs, what, what!
Spode: No, I didn’t understand a word of that.
Lord Longdon of Longleat: One more thing Spode, you know your mate Nigel wants us to close the boarders and stop free movement in the EU?
Spode (hesitantly): Yes, and not a moment too soon.
Lord Longdon of Longleat: Well, as the only place your has-been band can sell out a concert is some old shed in Poland, how are you going to sell any tickets if you can’t get to the place?
Spode: Crikey, I didn’t think of that, I think I need to go and talk to my half man, half scarecrow keyboard player to see how we get out of this fix. But you’ve not seen the end of me…
(Spode leaves).
Captain Rothers: Well thanks Lord Longden, but how are we going to sort out our errant singer?
Private h: Look at the flying monkeys, coming to take me to happy land.
Lord Longdon of Longleat: I have an instant cold turkey remedy that involves a jar of chilli sauce, a turkey baster and tub of vaseline. That should sort the chap out and have him singing falsetto for weeks.
Everyone: Hurray for the British class system and especially for the caring aristocratic elite that knows what’s best for us all!
P.S. In case you were wondering:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dad%27s_Army
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roderick_Spode
1st April 2016 - New Management for the Band
The band (well, the three members that are in the office this morning) has decided enough is enough and we are taking back the management of the band.
In the good old “indie” days we knocked out an album in two weeks, played a few university gigs then went home for eleven months to watch Bargain Hunt and Supermarket Sweep. Sure, no one bought the albums and hardly anyone went to the gigs but we were happy!
Now we spend weeks upon weeks in the studio as Luci tells us to “bugger off to Real World and don’t come back until you’ve got another Marbles”. The tours go on forever with gigs all over the blooming place, not to mention the bloody Weekends which are pure hell. To start, we have to learn a load of songs we haven’t played for ages. On tour we’ve been playing the same ten songs in rotation for the last fifteen years and have pretty much got away with it. Add a few new ones and you’ve got a setlist! Apparently “that won’t do for the bloody Weekends” and each event has to be bigger and better than the last. This may sound great to you, but it’s just more work and less Bargain Hunt for us. On top of that, we have to actually talk to the balding idiots fans for at least 30 minutes each day!! Yes, 30 minutes!!! Luci times us.
We all know life as a musician is the hardest job in the world. Getting up at midday, plonking about on instruments for minutes on end and then having a lie down. Torture.
Admittedly, when on tour, we have a bit of a lie in until around 5pm. But then have to work for two hours with only one five minute break! I’m sure there is some European working time directive to stop this abuse but, quite frankly, we’re all too scared of Luci to complain. That is until today – Viva La Revolution!
While a certain drummer, guitar player, manager and henchwoman are out of the office, we have decided to take back the management of the band and show the others just what we are capable of.
We are in control and our demands are as follows:
1. The theme of the next Weekends is to be “Neverland – a Three Night Prog Odyssey”. Each gig will consist of a 90 minute jam based around everyone’s favourite song. As a special treat, on Sunday night we’ll play an extended version of Easter as an encore. There will be no flashy light show and so we will not be at home when Mr Technical-Cockup pays his usual visit. And no, we won’t be playing Chelsea Effin’ Monday, so stop asking.
2. The new album can go out as it is. Quite frankly we’re sick of the bloody thing. As the three of us can’t agree on an album title, there will be three versions issued, with fans sent one at random. The titles will be “Let ‘Em All In”, or “ZX81 Ram Pack”, or “Can’t We Just Call It Something Nice?” Those who have ordered the box set will get a copy of each.
3. No more gigs to be arranged for the sodding world tour, it really is long enough all ready. Some of the uncivilised places we are going to play don't even have Come Dine With Me. We may play a 10 minute “warm up” in Aylesbury for the Weekends, if we’re feeling up to it on the day. And before all those people in godforsaken places complain about us not playing near you, then just be grateful – you haven’t seen our next demand!
4. In future, at all gigs, Pete will sing and h will play the guitar solo on the obligatory performance of Easter. We know Pete’s singing is an acquired taste, and no one knows what h’s guitar playing actually sounds like, but we’re sick of playing second fiddle and want to express ourselves. Not like a new mother. Like Madonna, or something.
5. One of us, and we’re not saying which at this stage, wants to spend the Weekends in drag.
Signed – h from Steps, Pete Tiswasas & Mad Jacqueline.
5th February 2016 - Luci's Friday Swear-fest
For those not on Facebook, I thought I'd share some of the highlights from the Friday Questions Page. I imagine the air turns blue in the Racket Records office on the last day of the week.
"Luci – What time will the band be on stage at the Cardiff gig in November? Mr Tiddles needs his evening constitutional and I need to factor that in."
"Luci – I know you have a lot to organise, but have you considered holding the next MW at my village hall, in Knackersdownthewell? We were hit heavily by the floods recently and the sewers are still overflowing. The event would be a boost to our local economy and the sanitary conditions are still better than they were at Minehead."
"Luci – Can I just say what a great job you do. Also, could the band please send a tape for my husband to wake him up? He’s not in a coma or anything, unless you define a coma as a hangover after 12 pints and a vindaloo last night. It’s just that he hates the band and it may get him out of the house for half an hour while my friendly milkman comes round later."
"Luci – Please could you tell me now, that thing that you said you would announce in two week’s time? You know, the tour dates / album title / album release date / MW details? I don’t want to know, I just like annoying you by asking."
5 January 2016 - Rothers' Army
Behind the scenes at MW PZ 2015, the band are lining up for the usual three hour pre sound check drill.
Captain Rothers: Attention!
The entire band stand to attention apart from Private h who is playing with his Indian silk scarf.
Captain Rothers: h boy, just what do you think you are doing?
Private h: Sorry Captain but this was a present from Uncle Mosley and I wanted to make sure it was straight.
Captain Rothers: Stupid boy. Mosley, is this true? Did you buy this boy a soppy Indian scarf? He’s supposed to be in a prog band man, not some hippy trippy pop outfit.
Sergeant Mosley: I am so sorry Captain but his Aunt Luci bought it for him for his birthday, and is it awfully nice.
Captain Rothers: What nonsense. I didn’t know it was h’s birthday, how old are you boy?
Private h: Is that a trick question?
Captain Rothers: Stupid boy, take the damn thing off.
Private h: Aunt Luci said I should keep it on. Aunt Luci said I could catch a chill.
Sergeant Mosely: I say Captain, do you think it’s wise to upset his Aunt Luci, I mean before we’ve got paid?
Captain Rothers: Oh very well, keep it on. Lance-Corporal Mad Jack, are your keyboards working yet?
Lance-Corporal Mad Jack: Don’t panic! Don’t panic! The keyboards are more or less working. I’ve attached the whole of our expensive lighting rig to my Stylophone so nothing can possibly go wrong! Just as long as we don’t play a song for more than 10 minutes and I have to change the batteries.
Private Phil Brown: We’re doomed, I tell you, doomed!
APR Warden Dick appears: Now then Napoleon, it sounds like you need a hand. Would you like me to sing one of my old songs with you at the end? I’ve still got it, just as long as you can modulate all your instruments to infrasound that can only be heard by blue whales and Neil Young.
All of the band: “No thank you”.
5 October 2015 - Support the Kickpledge Campaign
Mockillion is pleased to announce a fantastic new venture that may or may not be happening in the future in the hope of relieving you of all that cash you are no doubt hording, weighing down your attempts to achieve enlightenment.
We’ve got together with the fictional band Mississippimarillion to give you the fantastic opportunity to get one step closer to nirvana with our exclusive Kickpledge campaign.
You may know Kickpledge for their attempts to revive the career of other flagging musical acts such as Musical Youth, Joe Dolce and Mostly Awtumn.
If we raise enough money after “costs” (a.k.a. early retirement) then we will almost definitely be recording an album which you will be the first to hear. This may not take place for a few years but we guarantee you will be the first to hear the album, albeit in a future incarnation.
Mississippimarillion plan to re-record some band favourites with a good ol’timey “southern twist” so the lyrics reflect a culture and lifestyle that they can relate to. You know, in the same way that h sings Chelsea Monday (by singing the words to No One Bloody Can instead).
The full track listing is still to be finalised but it is expected to include:
Son With 1,000 “Uncles”
My Sister’s My Wife
Happiness is Licking a Toad
This is the 18th Century
3 Sucks and it Tastes Like Candy
Cover Your Ears (Yo Momma’s Round My Trailer Tonight & She’s Brought Her Cheesegrater, It’s Gonna Be Messy).
There are several options that may or may not be available if you send me your money now:
CD - £50
Signed CD - £75 (signatures are guaranteed to look a bit like the signatures of the band)
CD plus DVD - £100 (as no one ever watches the DVD more than once on this sort of thing you will be expected to return it after a day so we can send it to someone else).
Exclusive Box Set - £1,000
The exact contents of the box set are still to be decided but they will almost definitely include
A box
A page out of my phone book (so you can look at a list of other people’s names)
A t-shirt of some sort
A bit of plastic
A wax cylinder of the album
The secret to life, the universe and everything
A guaranteed cure for hair loss and gullibility
The box set availability is strictly limited to as many as we can sell so get your order in early to avoid disappointment.
Be one of the Mockillion “Family” by sending us your money now!
1 April 2015 – A Musical is Announced
Early this morning, the Mockillion Hobbits intercepted the following press release from a certain band’s office while the band’s manager and her henchwoman were looking at pictures of themselves on Facebook.
“We are pleased to announce a unique event that will see the band’s current and former singers unite in a production that you simply will not believe!
The idea was hatched by the fella from that prog band that no-one likes. You know, the one that features a certain band’s old drummer, a guitarist that looks like a bank manager and a keyboard player that looks like he sleeps in a bus shelter.
Said keyboard player has already had unprecedented success with two epic prog productions. The first was a prog version of Ben Hur. Perhaps a little ambitious as the cast consisted of a couple of amateur dramatics enthusiasts and their pet poodle, Fluffy. The production was staged in a disused caravan on council estate in Mablethorpe and was a huge success with all who saw it. Apparently.
The second production was a rap/prog crossover of The Exorcist that was presented to great acclaim at a Scout Hut in Maltby. That was until the local vicar happened to walk into the highlight of the musical, “Guess What Yo Momma Does in Hell” when the musical was shut down due to reasons of taste and decency.
The new production is a prog version of the ever popular musical Grease. Lengthy negotiations have taken place between the band and their former singer who were originally in disagreement regarding who would play which character. As both singers have a well known hankering for wearing a skirt, both assumed they would play Olivia Newton John’s role but after the toss of a coin the singers agreed to exchange roles on a nightly basis.
The new version of Grease is not only a prog spectacular, the story has been updated to include reflect the “50 Shades” phenomenon currently sweeping the world. Just close your eyes and imagine the singers looking like Arthur Mullard and Hilda Baker dressed in bondage gear, hitting each other with long, oiled rubbery sticks singing a version of You’re The One That I Want that includes a 10 minute bass solo!!
It is hoped that the production can be held at the Royal Albert Hall, or failing that, at a pub in Wolverhampton.
Ticket preorder details coming soon…”
9 March 2015 – Los Trios Marillos Yorkshiros
It is Thursday 19th March 2015 and three members of the band get together for a drink in the sunny square at Port Zelande. The conversation turns to the good old days:
Rothers: Ahh... Very passable, this, very passable.
Pete: Nothing like a good glass Hoegaarden Rosé, ay Mr h?
h: You're right there Mr Trewavas.
Rothers: Who'd a thought twenty five years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Hoegaarden Rosé?
Pete: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have t’ price of a cup o' tea.
h: A cup o' cold tea.
Rothers: Without milk or sugar.
Pete: Or tea.
Rothers: In a filthy, cracked plastic cup.
Pete: I never used to have a cup. I used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.
h: When I first joined t’band I ‘ad to suck my tea from a piece of damp cloth.
Rothers: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
Pete: Aye. because we were poor. T’ old singer used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness." He should know.
h: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had nothin’. When I joined t’ band we used to record in this tiiiny old studio, with great big holes in t’ roof.
Pete: Studio? You were lucky to have a studio! When I joined t’ band we used to live and record in one room with no furniture. Half t’ floor was missing; we all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling!
Rothers: We were lucky to have a room! When I formed t’ band we used to record and live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. No furniture, no equipment and no electricity. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting effluent dumped all over us! Room!? Hmph.
h: What about on tour? When I joined t’ band I ‘ad to get to t’ venue by midday. On t’ way I ‘ad to fetch all t’ band’s gear in a trailer behind my old car. Come show time I had to sing Lavender ten times, Kayleigh fifteen times and suffer fans talking loudly all t’ way through t’ quite bits of my songs. After t’ gig I had to count all t’ money taken and get a train t’record company’s offices in London and give it to them so they could spend it on adverts for boy bands.
Pete: You were lucky! When I joined t’ band I ‘ad to get to t’ venue by three in t’ morning. To get there I ‘ad to walk with all t’ band’s gear, plus t’ support band’s gear, in a shopping trolley. Come show time I had to play Market Square ‘Eroes twenty times and suffer fans talking loudly all t’ way through t’ quite bits. After t’ gig I had to count all t’ money taken, take it to t’ worst pub I could find and use it to buy drugs. I then had to walk record company’s offices in London, visit t’ management and give them t’ drugs. I assume they were doing some sort of medical research?
Rothers: Well, I ‘ad it tough. When I formed t’ band, we were t’ support act. I ‘ad to get to t’ venue by ten o’clock in t’ evening, an hour before I finished t’ previous night’s gig. On t’ way I ‘ad to carry all t’ band’s gear, plus t’ main band’s gear, plus t’ main band and their groupies, on my bare back. I had to make all our instruments using bits of tin foil, string and sticky backed plastic. We only knew one song, a twenty minute Genesis rip off, and we ‘ad to play that over and over again. We also ‘ad to suffer people talking loudly all t’ way through t’ quite bits. We made no money at all and so ‘ad to sell our internal body parts every night to get t’ cash to buy t’ drugs to take to London to give to t’ record company who then used us for their medical experiments.
(Pause)
All together: But you try and tell t’ fans today that... and they won't believe you.
5 March 2015 – MW Merch Sellers Exam
While we are all awaiting the forthcoming Marillion Weekends with growing excitement, please spare a thought for the volunteers that man the busy merchandise desks.
These people are chosen from the throng of us idiots that follow the band and the selection process is exhaustive. The final part of this process is an examination, a copy of which has been leaked by an anonymous fan:
MW Merch Sales Staff – Final Exam
Please choose the one correct answer from each of the following questions.
Q1. A fan asks why the band are selling Misplaced Childhood t-shirts but are not performing the whole album. What should you say:
a) “A spider wanders aimlessly within the warmth of a shadow, not the regal creature of border caves, but the poor misguided, directionless familiar of some obscure Scottish poet. Need I say more?”
b) “The mist crawls from the canal like some primordial phantom of romance, to curl under a cascade of neon pollen, while I sit tied to the phone like an expectant father, your carnation will rot in a vase. Need I say more?”
c) Manically shout: “A CHILDHOOD, A MISPLACED CHILDHOOD!” several times then shout “NEED I SAY MORE?”
d) “I can’t comment on the set lists but it’s the 30th anniversary of the album and some fans requested a t-shirt.”
Q2. A confused looking fan from Yorkshire enters the merch area. What should you say to him/her:
a) “I say, a northerner, how charming. What part of Lancashire are you from?”
b) “I’m sorry I don’t think anyone here speaks your language.”
c) “You’re from Yorkshire? Isn’t that where William Hague, Jeremy Clarkson and Mostly Autumn are from?”
d) “This is the merch desk. Billy’s Burgers is downstairs, the bar is across the square.”
Q3. Puzzled by the plethora of books on sale, a fan asks you which one you recommend. What should you say?
a) “The band’s management have discovered an alternative money making ruse. After years of loud concerts and over indulging in herbal remedies, many fans simply cannot remember what the band members look like. Indeed, some seem to be completely unaware that the band’s former singer left almost 30 years ago. Fortunately, the charitable people who barge to the front at concerts, only to whip out huge cameras, are providing an invaluable service on Facebook. They post very similar pictures of various band members, day in, day out. Thank god for the internet. Anyway these photo books are just the band cashing in. What next, Pete’s bass pedal collection? A cornucopia of Marks old running socks? I wouldn’t bother.”
b) “Certainly not h’s books. Bizarrely, they are full of words! And I don’t mean lyrics or pointless lists of people’s names but actual stories of his life. He really hasn’t got a clue. I wouldn’t bother.”
c) “God, haven’t you got them already? Call you’re self a fan? I’ve got five of each, all signed by band members. I asked Fish to sign one but he told me to “Gae boil ya wee shrivelled clooties in a jeelie pan o’boiling parritch” which I think is a compliment in his native Scotch language.”
d) “They are all good photographic records of the band. I particularly like Postcards From the Road.”
Q4. A fan asks you why the band has started playing two whole albums at each MW. What should you say?
a) “To sell more t-shirts.”
b) “You should be grateful. Rumour has it that Luci was trying to persuade the band to play all of the Fugazi album, just so they could sell ‘all those bloody t-shirts’ that are cluttering up their offices after they were told by some idiot that fans would buy them.
They didn’t.
In a set list meeting, when told that h didn’t like the Fugazi album’s elaborate labyrinthine lyrics, Luci apparently responded “if he can sing Hocus Pocus, he can bloody well sing She Chameleon” in an unsuccessful attempt to persuade the rest of the band. Sorry, what was your question?”
c) “Have you got any better ideas, smart arse?”
d) “You’d have to ask the band – perhaps you could submit a question in the box at the end of the desk?”
Q5. An angry and confused looking fan from Norway enters the merch area. He’s wearing a helmet with horns on. What should you do?
a) Hide under the desk.
b) Run away.
c) Shout out “I thought they’d banned you lot after last time” then run away.
d) Politely ask him if he has accidentally demolished his house again and if he would like to buy a tent.
27 Feb 2015 – MW 2017 Controversy
In a move that will shock fans more than the first time the drug addled kaftan wearing hippies who followed the band in the 1980’s heard No One Can, the world’s favourite prog band are about to announce the sole and exclusive venue for the 2017 Marillion Weekend.
The band manager, auteur and super-nanny Luci (together with her henchwoman Stephany) are, as we speak, writing the press release to announce the Marillion 2017 event in Qatar. They are keen to assure fans that this is nothing to do with the fact that the Qatar head of state is 1) a fan and 2) not short of a bob or two.
Neither Luci or Stephanie could be contacted at the new Racket Records Mayfair penthouse office suite. When seen entering the office block from their chauffeured gold Rolls Royce, the two refused to answer questions, only saying that the car was bought using “some preorder money or something” and that its special air conditioning was essential for the singer’s vocal chords.
We tracked down the band, who are currently rehearsing for the imminent MWs in their current studio – a shed in a garden on a council estate in Banbury. Four of the band members were seen leaving the studio in thread bear clothes and looked confused when asked about the issue. The drummer left wearing an Armani suit and a platinum Rolex watch. When asked about how he could afford such luxuries, he said they were bought using “some preorder money or something” before leaving in his Lamboughini. The rest of the band got number 67 bus.
It is not certain how the balding idiots who follow the band now adays will react, though Luci was overheard on the phone saying “they put up with the cover versions, they put up with the Holidays night, they’ll probably all go to Qatar and ask to pay two years in advance, ha ha ha!!!”.
4 June 2014 – Bruce Dickinson Slams MW 2015
Iron Maiden frontman Bruce “Bruce” Dickinson has vowed he'll never play at the Marillion Weekend – and he's slammed the Port Zelande event as "middle-class" and "bourgeois", Classic Frock Magazine reports.
Dickinson told the Daily Lies newspaper: "Personally I have no interest in going to Port Zelande. In the days when it was held at Butlins, the accommodation had character. I loved the damp rooms, the smelly showers and the plastic covers on the mattresses. Centre Parcs is so hoyty-toyty in comparison, it’s almost like the private school I attended. “
The vocalist continues: "We'll leave the middle classes to do Port Zelande – and the great unwashed will decamp to Heavy Metal Hell XVII at Pontins; drink a lot of beer and briefly forget how pointless our lives are."
Dickinson also revealed he'd take part in a Boar War re-enactment, or something, but no one was really interested.
(In case you were wondering, the original story was: http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/news/general_music_news/glastos_too_middle_class_for_maiden_says_bruce_dickinson.html)
At a country house in Buckinghamshire, a familiar couple are talking while their staff take away their empty dinner plates.
Pres Mosley: Well that’s dinner over, time to get dressed up in the Naval Commander and the milk maid outfits!
Luci: But darling, it’s Thursday, not Friday.
PM: I know, I was referring to h’s special party tonight. It’s fancy dress.
Luci: Special party? Has h finally accepted his age?
PM: Who knows with that man, it’s just as likely he thinks it’s Christmas or something!
Luci: Well as we’re going out, perhaps for a change I should wear the milk maid outfit and you wear the Naval uniform?
PM (dejectedly): Alright, if we must.
Later that night, at the luxurious Racket Records sauna, health club and recording studio complex, the party is in full swing. Peter Tiswasas is introducing a new member of staff:
PT: Listen up every one, before h arrives, I have an announcement. We are pleased to introduce our newest teaboy, Marikk Nikkson from Holland.
MN: Hello everyone, I am from Holland. I do not know of thish band, no shir-ree, but I am looking shorward to working for shoo.
Rothers: Wait a minute, are you sure you are from Holland? You look an awful lot like one of those Lardy Lads fans that we had to get a restraining order for?
MN: No, I am not, as you say, a Lardy Lad, I am Marikk Nikkson from Holland. I do not know of thish band, no shir-ree. If I was a Lardy Lad, I would have to be pretty mad to move to Holland, chansh my name and apply for a job with this shilly accent just so I can get around the reshtraining order and continue my collection of band membersh nail clippingsh, used handkerchiefs and bits of hair I would find on chairsh. I am certainly not that man. I am from Holland. One lump or two?
Mad Jack: You look awfully familiar to me. Aren’t you the guy who gave us the film of Rod Hull falling from his roof to accompany the song, Out of the Sky?
MN: No, no shir-re. I am from Holland, I do not know of this Rod Hull of witsh you shpeak. I have to go now. Not to empty your bathroom binsh for my bizarre collection, but to make shome speschail tea for Mr h.
Marikk hurries away towards the bathroom.
Mad Jack: So Rothers, has h finally accepted his age?
Rothers: Who knows. When he said it was his “special” party, I assumed he had, but you never know with that man. It’s just as likely he thinks it’s Christmas or something. That sounds like him coming now.
H (dressed as Santa Clause): Ho ho ho, merry Christmas everyone!
Mad Jack: Good grief!
Rothers: Now then h, we need to have a word. Hasn’t this charade gone on too long?
H: Well I was about to make an announcement to that effect and then I remembered the current Mrs h.
Rothers: Doesn’t she know?
H: No, I told her I was 42!
The current Mrs h appears: Merry Christmas everyone!
Everyone, hesitantly: Merry Christmas!!
7th May 2016 - Rothers Army - Back By Popular Demand
It’s backstage at the Ramblin’ Drunk festival and the ever unpopular Pencildwarf have just finished their set on the Prog stage. Their frontman, Nick Spode, has wandered into the Rothers Army tent where the platoon are preparing to headline.
Captain Rothers: Attention!
The entire band stand to attention apart from Private h who is staring at a point in the distance.
Captain Rothers: Private h, just what do you think you are doing?
Private h: Get off my case, man, I just want to hook up with some chicks and get funky.
Captain Rothers: I can’t understand a word of what you’re saying, you stupid boy!
Private Tiswasas: I’m very sorry Captain but I fear it’s all my fault. My sister Dolly made some soup for me to bring today, but I only found out too late that she bought the mushrooms from a less than reputable character called Erikk. I think Private h had too much of the soup and now appears somewhat out of sorts.
Spode appears: Oh dear, oh dear. Looks like you lefty softies are in a fix. It’s all because of those immigrants you know, coming over here with their funny ideas. Erikk is not from round here is he? I expect he’s a part of the conspiracy for refugees to turn the whole of this green and pleasant land into a Muslim state!
Sergeant Mosely: I say Spode, do you think that’s awfully likely?
Spode: It is and anyone who says otherwise should be deported! This hippy lad will be the first out when me and Nigel Farage get into power. What’s your name lad?
Captain Rothers: Don’t tell him h!
Spode writes the name down in his little black book.
Spode: h, even I can spell that one!
Captain Rothers: Typical nasty UKIP trick. You’ll never win you know, those prog fans are not a load of Daily Mail reading idiots. They are a load of Guardian reading idiots and they have no time for your right wing posturing.
Lance-Corporal Mad Jack: Don’t panic! Don’t panic! I’ve found this big Scottish fella who promises to sort old Spode out for good.
APR Warden Dick appears: Now then Napoleon, it sounds like you need a hand. I’ll take old Spode out a sit on him until he changes his tune, on one condition. Let me sing one of my old songs with you at the end of the gig.
All of the band: “No thank you”.
10th May 2016 - Continued...
Spode: Ha, ha, ha. You’ve no chance of performing now. You’ll have to let that old fella who plays the flute and sings through his nose headline. But wait a minute, who’s this…
Everyone: It’s Lord Longdon of Longleat from Seconds Out era Genesis tribute band; Posh Prog Tram.
Lord Longdon of Longleat: I say Rothers old chum, you seem to be in a bit of a fix. Who is this awful oink!
Captain Rothers: It’s Spode from Pencildwarf. He’s in league with the paranoid far right and seems intent on deporting our singer who is away with the fairies at the best of times but now seems particularly distracted.
Private h: Hey man, I am still here. Let’s all fly to the moon and dance with pixies. Just look at the moon, the mooooon.
Lord Longdon of Longleat: Oh dear, we’ll deal with you later. First of all, Spode, my good man, let me point out the error of your ways.
Spode: But surely you, the poshest man in Prog, will sympathise with my cause?
Lord Longdon of Longleat: Gads, no. Without people coming to the country that are willing to undertake jobs with dreadful working conditions, where would this country be? I’ll tell you where, with no train lines, no canals and I’d have no proletariat to romanticise in my patronising lyrics. Let ‘em all in, I say, just as long as they stay downstairs, what, what!
Spode: No, I didn’t understand a word of that.
Lord Longdon of Longleat: One more thing Spode, you know your mate Nigel wants us to close the boarders and stop free movement in the EU?
Spode (hesitantly): Yes, and not a moment too soon.
Lord Longdon of Longleat: Well, as the only place your has-been band can sell out a concert is some old shed in Poland, how are you going to sell any tickets if you can’t get to the place?
Spode: Crikey, I didn’t think of that, I think I need to go and talk to my half man, half scarecrow keyboard player to see how we get out of this fix. But you’ve not seen the end of me…
(Spode leaves).
Captain Rothers: Well thanks Lord Longden, but how are we going to sort out our errant singer?
Private h: Look at the flying monkeys, coming to take me to happy land.
Lord Longdon of Longleat: I have an instant cold turkey remedy that involves a jar of chilli sauce, a turkey baster and tub of vaseline. That should sort the chap out and have him singing falsetto for weeks.
Everyone: Hurray for the British class system and especially for the caring aristocratic elite that knows what’s best for us all!
P.S. In case you were wondering:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dad%27s_Army
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roderick_Spode
1st April 2016 - New Management for the Band
The band (well, the three members that are in the office this morning) has decided enough is enough and we are taking back the management of the band.
In the good old “indie” days we knocked out an album in two weeks, played a few university gigs then went home for eleven months to watch Bargain Hunt and Supermarket Sweep. Sure, no one bought the albums and hardly anyone went to the gigs but we were happy!
Now we spend weeks upon weeks in the studio as Luci tells us to “bugger off to Real World and don’t come back until you’ve got another Marbles”. The tours go on forever with gigs all over the blooming place, not to mention the bloody Weekends which are pure hell. To start, we have to learn a load of songs we haven’t played for ages. On tour we’ve been playing the same ten songs in rotation for the last fifteen years and have pretty much got away with it. Add a few new ones and you’ve got a setlist! Apparently “that won’t do for the bloody Weekends” and each event has to be bigger and better than the last. This may sound great to you, but it’s just more work and less Bargain Hunt for us. On top of that, we have to actually talk to the balding idiots fans for at least 30 minutes each day!! Yes, 30 minutes!!! Luci times us.
We all know life as a musician is the hardest job in the world. Getting up at midday, plonking about on instruments for minutes on end and then having a lie down. Torture.
Admittedly, when on tour, we have a bit of a lie in until around 5pm. But then have to work for two hours with only one five minute break! I’m sure there is some European working time directive to stop this abuse but, quite frankly, we’re all too scared of Luci to complain. That is until today – Viva La Revolution!
While a certain drummer, guitar player, manager and henchwoman are out of the office, we have decided to take back the management of the band and show the others just what we are capable of.
We are in control and our demands are as follows:
1. The theme of the next Weekends is to be “Neverland – a Three Night Prog Odyssey”. Each gig will consist of a 90 minute jam based around everyone’s favourite song. As a special treat, on Sunday night we’ll play an extended version of Easter as an encore. There will be no flashy light show and so we will not be at home when Mr Technical-Cockup pays his usual visit. And no, we won’t be playing Chelsea Effin’ Monday, so stop asking.
2. The new album can go out as it is. Quite frankly we’re sick of the bloody thing. As the three of us can’t agree on an album title, there will be three versions issued, with fans sent one at random. The titles will be “Let ‘Em All In”, or “ZX81 Ram Pack”, or “Can’t We Just Call It Something Nice?” Those who have ordered the box set will get a copy of each.
3. No more gigs to be arranged for the sodding world tour, it really is long enough all ready. Some of the uncivilised places we are going to play don't even have Come Dine With Me. We may play a 10 minute “warm up” in Aylesbury for the Weekends, if we’re feeling up to it on the day. And before all those people in godforsaken places complain about us not playing near you, then just be grateful – you haven’t seen our next demand!
4. In future, at all gigs, Pete will sing and h will play the guitar solo on the obligatory performance of Easter. We know Pete’s singing is an acquired taste, and no one knows what h’s guitar playing actually sounds like, but we’re sick of playing second fiddle and want to express ourselves. Not like a new mother. Like Madonna, or something.
5. One of us, and we’re not saying which at this stage, wants to spend the Weekends in drag.
Signed – h from Steps, Pete Tiswasas & Mad Jacqueline.
5th February 2016 - Luci's Friday Swear-fest
For those not on Facebook, I thought I'd share some of the highlights from the Friday Questions Page. I imagine the air turns blue in the Racket Records office on the last day of the week.
"Luci – What time will the band be on stage at the Cardiff gig in November? Mr Tiddles needs his evening constitutional and I need to factor that in."
"Luci – I know you have a lot to organise, but have you considered holding the next MW at my village hall, in Knackersdownthewell? We were hit heavily by the floods recently and the sewers are still overflowing. The event would be a boost to our local economy and the sanitary conditions are still better than they were at Minehead."
"Luci – Can I just say what a great job you do. Also, could the band please send a tape for my husband to wake him up? He’s not in a coma or anything, unless you define a coma as a hangover after 12 pints and a vindaloo last night. It’s just that he hates the band and it may get him out of the house for half an hour while my friendly milkman comes round later."
"Luci – Please could you tell me now, that thing that you said you would announce in two week’s time? You know, the tour dates / album title / album release date / MW details? I don’t want to know, I just like annoying you by asking."
5 January 2016 - Rothers' Army
Behind the scenes at MW PZ 2015, the band are lining up for the usual three hour pre sound check drill.
Captain Rothers: Attention!
The entire band stand to attention apart from Private h who is playing with his Indian silk scarf.
Captain Rothers: h boy, just what do you think you are doing?
Private h: Sorry Captain but this was a present from Uncle Mosley and I wanted to make sure it was straight.
Captain Rothers: Stupid boy. Mosley, is this true? Did you buy this boy a soppy Indian scarf? He’s supposed to be in a prog band man, not some hippy trippy pop outfit.
Sergeant Mosley: I am so sorry Captain but his Aunt Luci bought it for him for his birthday, and is it awfully nice.
Captain Rothers: What nonsense. I didn’t know it was h’s birthday, how old are you boy?
Private h: Is that a trick question?
Captain Rothers: Stupid boy, take the damn thing off.
Private h: Aunt Luci said I should keep it on. Aunt Luci said I could catch a chill.
Sergeant Mosely: I say Captain, do you think it’s wise to upset his Aunt Luci, I mean before we’ve got paid?
Captain Rothers: Oh very well, keep it on. Lance-Corporal Mad Jack, are your keyboards working yet?
Lance-Corporal Mad Jack: Don’t panic! Don’t panic! The keyboards are more or less working. I’ve attached the whole of our expensive lighting rig to my Stylophone so nothing can possibly go wrong! Just as long as we don’t play a song for more than 10 minutes and I have to change the batteries.
Private Phil Brown: We’re doomed, I tell you, doomed!
APR Warden Dick appears: Now then Napoleon, it sounds like you need a hand. Would you like me to sing one of my old songs with you at the end? I’ve still got it, just as long as you can modulate all your instruments to infrasound that can only be heard by blue whales and Neil Young.
All of the band: “No thank you”.
5 October 2015 - Support the Kickpledge Campaign
Mockillion is pleased to announce a fantastic new venture that may or may not be happening in the future in the hope of relieving you of all that cash you are no doubt hording, weighing down your attempts to achieve enlightenment.
We’ve got together with the fictional band Mississippimarillion to give you the fantastic opportunity to get one step closer to nirvana with our exclusive Kickpledge campaign.
You may know Kickpledge for their attempts to revive the career of other flagging musical acts such as Musical Youth, Joe Dolce and Mostly Awtumn.
If we raise enough money after “costs” (a.k.a. early retirement) then we will almost definitely be recording an album which you will be the first to hear. This may not take place for a few years but we guarantee you will be the first to hear the album, albeit in a future incarnation.
Mississippimarillion plan to re-record some band favourites with a good ol’timey “southern twist” so the lyrics reflect a culture and lifestyle that they can relate to. You know, in the same way that h sings Chelsea Monday (by singing the words to No One Bloody Can instead).
The full track listing is still to be finalised but it is expected to include:
Son With 1,000 “Uncles”
My Sister’s My Wife
Happiness is Licking a Toad
This is the 18th Century
3 Sucks and it Tastes Like Candy
Cover Your Ears (Yo Momma’s Round My Trailer Tonight & She’s Brought Her Cheesegrater, It’s Gonna Be Messy).
There are several options that may or may not be available if you send me your money now:
CD - £50
Signed CD - £75 (signatures are guaranteed to look a bit like the signatures of the band)
CD plus DVD - £100 (as no one ever watches the DVD more than once on this sort of thing you will be expected to return it after a day so we can send it to someone else).
Exclusive Box Set - £1,000
The exact contents of the box set are still to be decided but they will almost definitely include
A box
A page out of my phone book (so you can look at a list of other people’s names)
A t-shirt of some sort
A bit of plastic
A wax cylinder of the album
The secret to life, the universe and everything
A guaranteed cure for hair loss and gullibility
The box set availability is strictly limited to as many as we can sell so get your order in early to avoid disappointment.
Be one of the Mockillion “Family” by sending us your money now!
1 April 2015 – A Musical is Announced
Early this morning, the Mockillion Hobbits intercepted the following press release from a certain band’s office while the band’s manager and her henchwoman were looking at pictures of themselves on Facebook.
“We are pleased to announce a unique event that will see the band’s current and former singers unite in a production that you simply will not believe!
The idea was hatched by the fella from that prog band that no-one likes. You know, the one that features a certain band’s old drummer, a guitarist that looks like a bank manager and a keyboard player that looks like he sleeps in a bus shelter.
Said keyboard player has already had unprecedented success with two epic prog productions. The first was a prog version of Ben Hur. Perhaps a little ambitious as the cast consisted of a couple of amateur dramatics enthusiasts and their pet poodle, Fluffy. The production was staged in a disused caravan on council estate in Mablethorpe and was a huge success with all who saw it. Apparently.
The second production was a rap/prog crossover of The Exorcist that was presented to great acclaim at a Scout Hut in Maltby. That was until the local vicar happened to walk into the highlight of the musical, “Guess What Yo Momma Does in Hell” when the musical was shut down due to reasons of taste and decency.
The new production is a prog version of the ever popular musical Grease. Lengthy negotiations have taken place between the band and their former singer who were originally in disagreement regarding who would play which character. As both singers have a well known hankering for wearing a skirt, both assumed they would play Olivia Newton John’s role but after the toss of a coin the singers agreed to exchange roles on a nightly basis.
The new version of Grease is not only a prog spectacular, the story has been updated to include reflect the “50 Shades” phenomenon currently sweeping the world. Just close your eyes and imagine the singers looking like Arthur Mullard and Hilda Baker dressed in bondage gear, hitting each other with long, oiled rubbery sticks singing a version of You’re The One That I Want that includes a 10 minute bass solo!!
It is hoped that the production can be held at the Royal Albert Hall, or failing that, at a pub in Wolverhampton.
Ticket preorder details coming soon…”
9 March 2015 – Los Trios Marillos Yorkshiros
It is Thursday 19th March 2015 and three members of the band get together for a drink in the sunny square at Port Zelande. The conversation turns to the good old days:
Rothers: Ahh... Very passable, this, very passable.
Pete: Nothing like a good glass Hoegaarden Rosé, ay Mr h?
h: You're right there Mr Trewavas.
Rothers: Who'd a thought twenty five years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Hoegaarden Rosé?
Pete: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have t’ price of a cup o' tea.
h: A cup o' cold tea.
Rothers: Without milk or sugar.
Pete: Or tea.
Rothers: In a filthy, cracked plastic cup.
Pete: I never used to have a cup. I used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.
h: When I first joined t’band I ‘ad to suck my tea from a piece of damp cloth.
Rothers: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
Pete: Aye. because we were poor. T’ old singer used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness." He should know.
h: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had nothin’. When I joined t’ band we used to record in this tiiiny old studio, with great big holes in t’ roof.
Pete: Studio? You were lucky to have a studio! When I joined t’ band we used to live and record in one room with no furniture. Half t’ floor was missing; we all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling!
Rothers: We were lucky to have a room! When I formed t’ band we used to record and live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. No furniture, no equipment and no electricity. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting effluent dumped all over us! Room!? Hmph.
h: What about on tour? When I joined t’ band I ‘ad to get to t’ venue by midday. On t’ way I ‘ad to fetch all t’ band’s gear in a trailer behind my old car. Come show time I had to sing Lavender ten times, Kayleigh fifteen times and suffer fans talking loudly all t’ way through t’ quite bits of my songs. After t’ gig I had to count all t’ money taken and get a train t’record company’s offices in London and give it to them so they could spend it on adverts for boy bands.
Pete: You were lucky! When I joined t’ band I ‘ad to get to t’ venue by three in t’ morning. To get there I ‘ad to walk with all t’ band’s gear, plus t’ support band’s gear, in a shopping trolley. Come show time I had to play Market Square ‘Eroes twenty times and suffer fans talking loudly all t’ way through t’ quite bits. After t’ gig I had to count all t’ money taken, take it to t’ worst pub I could find and use it to buy drugs. I then had to walk record company’s offices in London, visit t’ management and give them t’ drugs. I assume they were doing some sort of medical research?
Rothers: Well, I ‘ad it tough. When I formed t’ band, we were t’ support act. I ‘ad to get to t’ venue by ten o’clock in t’ evening, an hour before I finished t’ previous night’s gig. On t’ way I ‘ad to carry all t’ band’s gear, plus t’ main band’s gear, plus t’ main band and their groupies, on my bare back. I had to make all our instruments using bits of tin foil, string and sticky backed plastic. We only knew one song, a twenty minute Genesis rip off, and we ‘ad to play that over and over again. We also ‘ad to suffer people talking loudly all t’ way through t’ quite bits. We made no money at all and so ‘ad to sell our internal body parts every night to get t’ cash to buy t’ drugs to take to London to give to t’ record company who then used us for their medical experiments.
(Pause)
All together: But you try and tell t’ fans today that... and they won't believe you.
5 March 2015 – MW Merch Sellers Exam
While we are all awaiting the forthcoming Marillion Weekends with growing excitement, please spare a thought for the volunteers that man the busy merchandise desks.
These people are chosen from the throng of us idiots that follow the band and the selection process is exhaustive. The final part of this process is an examination, a copy of which has been leaked by an anonymous fan:
MW Merch Sales Staff – Final Exam
Please choose the one correct answer from each of the following questions.
Q1. A fan asks why the band are selling Misplaced Childhood t-shirts but are not performing the whole album. What should you say:
a) “A spider wanders aimlessly within the warmth of a shadow, not the regal creature of border caves, but the poor misguided, directionless familiar of some obscure Scottish poet. Need I say more?”
b) “The mist crawls from the canal like some primordial phantom of romance, to curl under a cascade of neon pollen, while I sit tied to the phone like an expectant father, your carnation will rot in a vase. Need I say more?”
c) Manically shout: “A CHILDHOOD, A MISPLACED CHILDHOOD!” several times then shout “NEED I SAY MORE?”
d) “I can’t comment on the set lists but it’s the 30th anniversary of the album and some fans requested a t-shirt.”
Q2. A confused looking fan from Yorkshire enters the merch area. What should you say to him/her:
a) “I say, a northerner, how charming. What part of Lancashire are you from?”
b) “I’m sorry I don’t think anyone here speaks your language.”
c) “You’re from Yorkshire? Isn’t that where William Hague, Jeremy Clarkson and Mostly Autumn are from?”
d) “This is the merch desk. Billy’s Burgers is downstairs, the bar is across the square.”
Q3. Puzzled by the plethora of books on sale, a fan asks you which one you recommend. What should you say?
a) “The band’s management have discovered an alternative money making ruse. After years of loud concerts and over indulging in herbal remedies, many fans simply cannot remember what the band members look like. Indeed, some seem to be completely unaware that the band’s former singer left almost 30 years ago. Fortunately, the charitable people who barge to the front at concerts, only to whip out huge cameras, are providing an invaluable service on Facebook. They post very similar pictures of various band members, day in, day out. Thank god for the internet. Anyway these photo books are just the band cashing in. What next, Pete’s bass pedal collection? A cornucopia of Marks old running socks? I wouldn’t bother.”
b) “Certainly not h’s books. Bizarrely, they are full of words! And I don’t mean lyrics or pointless lists of people’s names but actual stories of his life. He really hasn’t got a clue. I wouldn’t bother.”
c) “God, haven’t you got them already? Call you’re self a fan? I’ve got five of each, all signed by band members. I asked Fish to sign one but he told me to “Gae boil ya wee shrivelled clooties in a jeelie pan o’boiling parritch” which I think is a compliment in his native Scotch language.”
d) “They are all good photographic records of the band. I particularly like Postcards From the Road.”
Q4. A fan asks you why the band has started playing two whole albums at each MW. What should you say?
a) “To sell more t-shirts.”
b) “You should be grateful. Rumour has it that Luci was trying to persuade the band to play all of the Fugazi album, just so they could sell ‘all those bloody t-shirts’ that are cluttering up their offices after they were told by some idiot that fans would buy them.
They didn’t.
In a set list meeting, when told that h didn’t like the Fugazi album’s elaborate labyrinthine lyrics, Luci apparently responded “if he can sing Hocus Pocus, he can bloody well sing She Chameleon” in an unsuccessful attempt to persuade the rest of the band. Sorry, what was your question?”
c) “Have you got any better ideas, smart arse?”
d) “You’d have to ask the band – perhaps you could submit a question in the box at the end of the desk?”
Q5. An angry and confused looking fan from Norway enters the merch area. He’s wearing a helmet with horns on. What should you do?
a) Hide under the desk.
b) Run away.
c) Shout out “I thought they’d banned you lot after last time” then run away.
d) Politely ask him if he has accidentally demolished his house again and if he would like to buy a tent.
27 Feb 2015 – MW 2017 Controversy
In a move that will shock fans more than the first time the drug addled kaftan wearing hippies who followed the band in the 1980’s heard No One Can, the world’s favourite prog band are about to announce the sole and exclusive venue for the 2017 Marillion Weekend.
The band manager, auteur and super-nanny Luci (together with her henchwoman Stephany) are, as we speak, writing the press release to announce the Marillion 2017 event in Qatar. They are keen to assure fans that this is nothing to do with the fact that the Qatar head of state is 1) a fan and 2) not short of a bob or two.
Neither Luci or Stephanie could be contacted at the new Racket Records Mayfair penthouse office suite. When seen entering the office block from their chauffeured gold Rolls Royce, the two refused to answer questions, only saying that the car was bought using “some preorder money or something” and that its special air conditioning was essential for the singer’s vocal chords.
We tracked down the band, who are currently rehearsing for the imminent MWs in their current studio – a shed in a garden on a council estate in Banbury. Four of the band members were seen leaving the studio in thread bear clothes and looked confused when asked about the issue. The drummer left wearing an Armani suit and a platinum Rolex watch. When asked about how he could afford such luxuries, he said they were bought using “some preorder money or something” before leaving in his Lamboughini. The rest of the band got number 67 bus.
It is not certain how the balding idiots who follow the band now adays will react, though Luci was overheard on the phone saying “they put up with the cover versions, they put up with the Holidays night, they’ll probably all go to Qatar and ask to pay two years in advance, ha ha ha!!!”.
4 June 2014 – Bruce Dickinson Slams MW 2015
Iron Maiden frontman Bruce “Bruce” Dickinson has vowed he'll never play at the Marillion Weekend – and he's slammed the Port Zelande event as "middle-class" and "bourgeois", Classic Frock Magazine reports.
Dickinson told the Daily Lies newspaper: "Personally I have no interest in going to Port Zelande. In the days when it was held at Butlins, the accommodation had character. I loved the damp rooms, the smelly showers and the plastic covers on the mattresses. Centre Parcs is so hoyty-toyty in comparison, it’s almost like the private school I attended. “
The vocalist continues: "We'll leave the middle classes to do Port Zelande – and the great unwashed will decamp to Heavy Metal Hell XVII at Pontins; drink a lot of beer and briefly forget how pointless our lives are."
Dickinson also revealed he'd take part in a Boar War re-enactment, or something, but no one was really interested.
(In case you were wondering, the original story was: http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/news/general_music_news/glastos_too_middle_class_for_maiden_says_bruce_dickinson.html)