2012 Interview Exclusives!
It is August 2012 and anticipation of the new album mounts. Like Alien fans waiting to see Prometheus, the longer we wait, the more unrealistic our expectations will be that the end product is exactly what we hope for and the more we will be disappointed when it isn't.
In the meantime, Mockillion can exclusively present made up interviews with the key people involved in the making of the album. As Mockillion is a load of rubbish they have never heard of, and wouldn't speak to if they had, the Mockillion Hobbits have had to use guerrilla tactics to talk to the band.
First up is Mad Jack
MJ: “Hello, who is this?”
MH: “Erm, this is, erm, Q Magazine?”
MJ: “Cool! Do you want an interview? Luci has banned us from talking to you but she’s busy explaining to the singer why he can’t have another pink guitar until he’s learned to play the last one, so I think we’ve got a few minutes. Maybe longer.”
MH: “Tell me about the new album.”
MJ: “Well I never listen to the lyrics so you’ll have to ask the singer. No doubt they’ll be about chakras, crystals or some other new age stuff. Honestly, it’s getting almost as bad as the crossword puzzles. Anyway, the music is another radical departure for the band.”
MH: “Another?”
MJ: “Yeah, you know how all the albums are so completely different that you can’t tell they’re by the same band? Well this is the same.”
MH: “Huh?”
MJ: “I mean, this is really different.”
MH “So it’s similar to the last one?”
MJ: “No, completely different. I used a slightly different ringtones, er, I mean original samples, for my sounds.”
MH: “What about the rest of the band?”
MJ: “I don’t know. I just record my ring…, I mean keyboard parts, and send them into whoever has agreed to put the album together for us this time. I then go on holiday for a few months while it’s sorted. It’s amazing what we can get away with when the muggles pay upfront for the music! You’re lucky to find me in the studio, I only came in to get my pocket money from Luci. Can I tell you about my solo project?”
MH: “Yes please”
MJ: “It took a while to complete but it’s almost done. I’m afraid Luci think’s it sounds a bit old hat but my new mate Billy Bragg thinks it’s great. It’s about the miners’ strike”
MH: “Of 1984?”
MJ: “Yeah, I know, it was a couple of years ago or something but these songs, don’t write themselves you know!”
MH: “Will you be playing any old songs on the UK tour?”
MJ: “You mean Easter? I think we’re contractually obliged.”
MH: “No, I mean even older ones.”
MJ: “Ha, ha, ha.”
MH: “I’m serious”
MJ: “Are you sure you’re from Q? We played a few elsewhere but that was just to annoy the UK muggles when we refuse to play them there! We’ll play the same songs we always play and some new ones if we can be bothered to learn them. Sorry, I have to go, I have a call on my other phone, it maybe Nokia. Bye!”
Next up, Mr Tiswasas
MH: “Hi, this is Glitzy Cape Prog Magazine from Poland.”
PT: “Really, I’ve never heard of you. Gosh, how wonderful of you to call me. Would you like an interview? I’m sure I can spare a few minutes.”
MH: “Thank you. Could you please be telling me about the new album?”
PT: “Which one, Eddison’s Grandpa?”
MH: “No, your main band”
PT: “The Atlantic Trannies?”
MH: “No”
PT: “Kino Bites?”
MH: “No, the band you’ve been in for the past 30 years?”
PT: “Oh, them! Bless them, they give me the cash to record all my prog albums so I’ve got a soft spot for them but I really don’t know much about the new album. I just record a few bass parts and a few guitar parts and email them to whoever is putting the songs together this time. The fans, bless their hearts, would be most upset if they found out how we record an album. Please don’t print this, they wouldn’t like it.”
MH: “Guitar parts?”
PT: “Yes, so Luci can play them to the singer and tell him that he recorded them but forgot. It encourages him not to give up the lessons. Oh, please don’t print that either!”
MH: “Will you be playing any old songs on the UK tour, except Easter of course?”
PT: “Ha, ha, ha!”
MH: “I’m serious”
PT: “Oh, gosh, sorry. I guess we may if we don’t have time to learn the new songs. That’s the problem with not actually writing your own music, you have a devil of a job when people expect you to play it. In the old days we just played a variation on any 70's Genesis song. Add some poetry from an old sixth form project and bingo, you’ve got a neo-prog classic. It’s not so easy nowadays, unfortunately.”
MH: “Is that really how the first four albums were written?”
PT: “Of course. Unfortunately, the old singer ran out of school poetry and tried to write some new stuff. Came up with some guff about Scotch independence, so he had to go. Shame, he was a jolly nice chap.”
MH: “Do you have any idea when the album will be out?”
PT: “That’s one for Luci & the President I’m afraid. With us getting the cash up front, one can lose track of when the blighter is actually available. I’ve pre-ordered mine.”
MH: “Why?”
PT: “So I can learn the songs before the UK gigs, of course. If it’s not out in time I guess we’ll dust off an old set list and hope no one notices. Gosh, did I just say that out loud? Please don’t print that!”
MH: “Tell me about your hobbies, aside from recording prog music”
PT: “Do you mean the main band? They’re definitely not prog you know. No sir-ee, not prog at all. It may be played by prog musicians and may be loved by prog fans, it may even sound like prog and win prog awards but it’s not. No way.”
MH: “No. I mean, you are such a nice man, how do you keep so relaxed all the time.”
PT: “I thought the interview was going too well. Is this the Polish police again? I told you before, I thought kitten strangling was legal in Eastern Europe. I’ve got to go. Good day to you.”
Now the one you've been waiting for, Mr H:
MH: “Hello, this is Gwendolyn Aphrodite from Todays Otherworldly Spritualist Herbology magazine.”
H: “Well hello Gwendolyn. Have you got a cold? It makes you sound like a nerdy man! Ha, ha. What can I do for you?”
MH: “Could you spend a few moments telling our readers of your recent spiritual experiences, perhaps also mentioning how they may have influenced your band’s new album?”
H: “I think you’ve been misinformed there, on several points, I’m afraid. Firstly, I’m not into spirituality per-se. I have had some counselling based on Buddhist philosophy but that was several years ago and I really don’t go for all that new age stuff. Also, the advice I was given influenced a couple of songs on the last LP, that’s all. The new album is much more outward looking. Finally, it isn’t my band, we are a cooperative with equal voices, except for the guitarist who has the final say.”
MH: “Is that why you’re trying to learn the guitar?”
H: “Pardon?”
MH: “Nothing. Please tell me more about the new album.”
H: “Well its completely-different-from-anything-the-band-have-done-before-and-definitely-not-prog-rock”
MH: “Are you reading that?”
H: “Yes, I admit it. Luci doesn’t trust that band members won’t say the wrong things in interviews so she has written some notes down for us. Things like ‘I won’t answer questions on reunions’ or ‘this band is breaking new boundaries in music’ or ‘our fans are the best in the world (not mindless idiots who love anything we release)’, I’m not sure I was supposed to read that last bit out loud but it’s all so confusing!”
MH: “Never mind, just tell me about the music. Do you play guitar on the new album.”
H: “Sorry, you sounded like you were sniggering while you asked that question. Are you sure you are from a magazine, not some idiot fanboy with a stupid website?”
MH: “Yes. I mean no. I mean, I’m definitely a woman from a magazine for people who don’t know their arse from their auras. Tell me about yours.”
H: “Sorry?”
MH: “Your aura. Tell me about your aura.”
H: “I think you’ve got me confused with someone else. I only spout new age stuff from time to time to wind up Mad Jack. Sure I believe in energy, but the energy of life and love. The warmth you feel when you hold your child or kiss your partner. The new album is about a range of themes from the Middle East to celebrating being fortunate. There are no new age scoops to be had from me I’m afraid”
MH: “OK. One last thing, will you be playing any old songs on the UK tour?”
H: “Well I never, someone asking me about old songs. Blimey that has never, ever happened before <sigh>. Look, the truth is, I like some of the old songs but it’s not 1985, it’s 2009 and we have to move with the times.”
MH: “Actually it’s 2012”
H: “Ha, ha, not according to my birthday cards! Goodbye.”
Finally, here's Luci:
MH: “Hello, this is Nasty McGuff from the Sunday Screw, everyone’s favourite tabloid newspaper.”
L: “Sorry, I don’t do interviews.”
MH: “Well you may want to do one with me. I need to fill our weekly progressive rock column and I’ve some rather tasty material you may prefer kept quiet.”
L: “I don’t believe you.”
MH: “So, it’s not true that your nicknames for the band members are Baldy, Grumpy, Proggy, Hubbie & Madonna?”
L: “Erm, that’s rubbish. Who told you that?”
MH: “That’s for me to know and you to find out Luci. Or perhaps I should call you Missy J?”
L: “Missy J?”
MH: “Yes, I know all about your alternative career as a rap star. Do these lyrics sound familiar? ‘I hate prog, I like to rap, prog pays the bills, but the music is crap.’”
L: “I’ve never heard those words before.”
MH: “Really. What about “Hubbie plays prog music and it’s money in the bank, but don’t make me listen to that awful...”
L: “Enough! What do you want you horrible little man?”
MH: “That’s better. Now, if you want to keep your secrets secret, tell me all about the Smells That Shouldn’t Be Made.”
L: “It’s a radical departure from their previous album.”
MH: “Really?”
L: “Of course not, you silly man. They all sound the bloody same to me; some programmed keyboard intro, some 80’s guitar, the singer mumbles “poor me” a few times then we get the solos. Of course then there’s the other type of song, with the singer plonking about on the piano, mumbling “poor me” before the band join in with some 80’s guitar, samples off the telly and some more bloody solos. God, I hate the solos.”
MH: “Keep going...”
L: “Then there’s the fans. The winey, stupid, fat, idiot fans. On Facebook or the MOLF wingeing on about the slightest thing. ‘Why don’t they play with the old singer’, ‘why don’t they play the song I like’, ‘why don’t they play my town’. Well, I’ll tell you why, because the old singer has an ego bigger than Scotland, the song you like sounds like all the others, and you live in the arse-end of the country you horrible nerdy computer programming geek.”
MH: “Thank you for being so open with me, this scoop will sell millions of papers!”
L: “No it won’t. You won’t print any of this because I know who you really are and if you put this on your crappy website, I’ll ban you from gigs, ban you from the Racket shop and ban you from the MOLF.”
MH: “Crikey”
L: “Goodbye”
In the meantime, Mockillion can exclusively present made up interviews with the key people involved in the making of the album. As Mockillion is a load of rubbish they have never heard of, and wouldn't speak to if they had, the Mockillion Hobbits have had to use guerrilla tactics to talk to the band.
First up is Mad Jack
MJ: “Hello, who is this?”
MH: “Erm, this is, erm, Q Magazine?”
MJ: “Cool! Do you want an interview? Luci has banned us from talking to you but she’s busy explaining to the singer why he can’t have another pink guitar until he’s learned to play the last one, so I think we’ve got a few minutes. Maybe longer.”
MH: “Tell me about the new album.”
MJ: “Well I never listen to the lyrics so you’ll have to ask the singer. No doubt they’ll be about chakras, crystals or some other new age stuff. Honestly, it’s getting almost as bad as the crossword puzzles. Anyway, the music is another radical departure for the band.”
MH: “Another?”
MJ: “Yeah, you know how all the albums are so completely different that you can’t tell they’re by the same band? Well this is the same.”
MH: “Huh?”
MJ: “I mean, this is really different.”
MH “So it’s similar to the last one?”
MJ: “No, completely different. I used a slightly different ringtones, er, I mean original samples, for my sounds.”
MH: “What about the rest of the band?”
MJ: “I don’t know. I just record my ring…, I mean keyboard parts, and send them into whoever has agreed to put the album together for us this time. I then go on holiday for a few months while it’s sorted. It’s amazing what we can get away with when the muggles pay upfront for the music! You’re lucky to find me in the studio, I only came in to get my pocket money from Luci. Can I tell you about my solo project?”
MH: “Yes please”
MJ: “It took a while to complete but it’s almost done. I’m afraid Luci think’s it sounds a bit old hat but my new mate Billy Bragg thinks it’s great. It’s about the miners’ strike”
MH: “Of 1984?”
MJ: “Yeah, I know, it was a couple of years ago or something but these songs, don’t write themselves you know!”
MH: “Will you be playing any old songs on the UK tour?”
MJ: “You mean Easter? I think we’re contractually obliged.”
MH: “No, I mean even older ones.”
MJ: “Ha, ha, ha.”
MH: “I’m serious”
MJ: “Are you sure you’re from Q? We played a few elsewhere but that was just to annoy the UK muggles when we refuse to play them there! We’ll play the same songs we always play and some new ones if we can be bothered to learn them. Sorry, I have to go, I have a call on my other phone, it maybe Nokia. Bye!”
Next up, Mr Tiswasas
MH: “Hi, this is Glitzy Cape Prog Magazine from Poland.”
PT: “Really, I’ve never heard of you. Gosh, how wonderful of you to call me. Would you like an interview? I’m sure I can spare a few minutes.”
MH: “Thank you. Could you please be telling me about the new album?”
PT: “Which one, Eddison’s Grandpa?”
MH: “No, your main band”
PT: “The Atlantic Trannies?”
MH: “No”
PT: “Kino Bites?”
MH: “No, the band you’ve been in for the past 30 years?”
PT: “Oh, them! Bless them, they give me the cash to record all my prog albums so I’ve got a soft spot for them but I really don’t know much about the new album. I just record a few bass parts and a few guitar parts and email them to whoever is putting the songs together this time. The fans, bless their hearts, would be most upset if they found out how we record an album. Please don’t print this, they wouldn’t like it.”
MH: “Guitar parts?”
PT: “Yes, so Luci can play them to the singer and tell him that he recorded them but forgot. It encourages him not to give up the lessons. Oh, please don’t print that either!”
MH: “Will you be playing any old songs on the UK tour, except Easter of course?”
PT: “Ha, ha, ha!”
MH: “I’m serious”
PT: “Oh, gosh, sorry. I guess we may if we don’t have time to learn the new songs. That’s the problem with not actually writing your own music, you have a devil of a job when people expect you to play it. In the old days we just played a variation on any 70's Genesis song. Add some poetry from an old sixth form project and bingo, you’ve got a neo-prog classic. It’s not so easy nowadays, unfortunately.”
MH: “Is that really how the first four albums were written?”
PT: “Of course. Unfortunately, the old singer ran out of school poetry and tried to write some new stuff. Came up with some guff about Scotch independence, so he had to go. Shame, he was a jolly nice chap.”
MH: “Do you have any idea when the album will be out?”
PT: “That’s one for Luci & the President I’m afraid. With us getting the cash up front, one can lose track of when the blighter is actually available. I’ve pre-ordered mine.”
MH: “Why?”
PT: “So I can learn the songs before the UK gigs, of course. If it’s not out in time I guess we’ll dust off an old set list and hope no one notices. Gosh, did I just say that out loud? Please don’t print that!”
MH: “Tell me about your hobbies, aside from recording prog music”
PT: “Do you mean the main band? They’re definitely not prog you know. No sir-ee, not prog at all. It may be played by prog musicians and may be loved by prog fans, it may even sound like prog and win prog awards but it’s not. No way.”
MH: “No. I mean, you are such a nice man, how do you keep so relaxed all the time.”
PT: “I thought the interview was going too well. Is this the Polish police again? I told you before, I thought kitten strangling was legal in Eastern Europe. I’ve got to go. Good day to you.”
Now the one you've been waiting for, Mr H:
MH: “Hello, this is Gwendolyn Aphrodite from Todays Otherworldly Spritualist Herbology magazine.”
H: “Well hello Gwendolyn. Have you got a cold? It makes you sound like a nerdy man! Ha, ha. What can I do for you?”
MH: “Could you spend a few moments telling our readers of your recent spiritual experiences, perhaps also mentioning how they may have influenced your band’s new album?”
H: “I think you’ve been misinformed there, on several points, I’m afraid. Firstly, I’m not into spirituality per-se. I have had some counselling based on Buddhist philosophy but that was several years ago and I really don’t go for all that new age stuff. Also, the advice I was given influenced a couple of songs on the last LP, that’s all. The new album is much more outward looking. Finally, it isn’t my band, we are a cooperative with equal voices, except for the guitarist who has the final say.”
MH: “Is that why you’re trying to learn the guitar?”
H: “Pardon?”
MH: “Nothing. Please tell me more about the new album.”
H: “Well its completely-different-from-anything-the-band-have-done-before-and-definitely-not-prog-rock”
MH: “Are you reading that?”
H: “Yes, I admit it. Luci doesn’t trust that band members won’t say the wrong things in interviews so she has written some notes down for us. Things like ‘I won’t answer questions on reunions’ or ‘this band is breaking new boundaries in music’ or ‘our fans are the best in the world (not mindless idiots who love anything we release)’, I’m not sure I was supposed to read that last bit out loud but it’s all so confusing!”
MH: “Never mind, just tell me about the music. Do you play guitar on the new album.”
H: “Sorry, you sounded like you were sniggering while you asked that question. Are you sure you are from a magazine, not some idiot fanboy with a stupid website?”
MH: “Yes. I mean no. I mean, I’m definitely a woman from a magazine for people who don’t know their arse from their auras. Tell me about yours.”
H: “Sorry?”
MH: “Your aura. Tell me about your aura.”
H: “I think you’ve got me confused with someone else. I only spout new age stuff from time to time to wind up Mad Jack. Sure I believe in energy, but the energy of life and love. The warmth you feel when you hold your child or kiss your partner. The new album is about a range of themes from the Middle East to celebrating being fortunate. There are no new age scoops to be had from me I’m afraid”
MH: “OK. One last thing, will you be playing any old songs on the UK tour?”
H: “Well I never, someone asking me about old songs. Blimey that has never, ever happened before <sigh>. Look, the truth is, I like some of the old songs but it’s not 1985, it’s 2009 and we have to move with the times.”
MH: “Actually it’s 2012”
H: “Ha, ha, not according to my birthday cards! Goodbye.”
Finally, here's Luci:
MH: “Hello, this is Nasty McGuff from the Sunday Screw, everyone’s favourite tabloid newspaper.”
L: “Sorry, I don’t do interviews.”
MH: “Well you may want to do one with me. I need to fill our weekly progressive rock column and I’ve some rather tasty material you may prefer kept quiet.”
L: “I don’t believe you.”
MH: “So, it’s not true that your nicknames for the band members are Baldy, Grumpy, Proggy, Hubbie & Madonna?”
L: “Erm, that’s rubbish. Who told you that?”
MH: “That’s for me to know and you to find out Luci. Or perhaps I should call you Missy J?”
L: “Missy J?”
MH: “Yes, I know all about your alternative career as a rap star. Do these lyrics sound familiar? ‘I hate prog, I like to rap, prog pays the bills, but the music is crap.’”
L: “I’ve never heard those words before.”
MH: “Really. What about “Hubbie plays prog music and it’s money in the bank, but don’t make me listen to that awful...”
L: “Enough! What do you want you horrible little man?”
MH: “That’s better. Now, if you want to keep your secrets secret, tell me all about the Smells That Shouldn’t Be Made.”
L: “It’s a radical departure from their previous album.”
MH: “Really?”
L: “Of course not, you silly man. They all sound the bloody same to me; some programmed keyboard intro, some 80’s guitar, the singer mumbles “poor me” a few times then we get the solos. Of course then there’s the other type of song, with the singer plonking about on the piano, mumbling “poor me” before the band join in with some 80’s guitar, samples off the telly and some more bloody solos. God, I hate the solos.”
MH: “Keep going...”
L: “Then there’s the fans. The winey, stupid, fat, idiot fans. On Facebook or the MOLF wingeing on about the slightest thing. ‘Why don’t they play with the old singer’, ‘why don’t they play the song I like’, ‘why don’t they play my town’. Well, I’ll tell you why, because the old singer has an ego bigger than Scotland, the song you like sounds like all the others, and you live in the arse-end of the country you horrible nerdy computer programming geek.”
MH: “Thank you for being so open with me, this scoop will sell millions of papers!”
L: “No it won’t. You won’t print any of this because I know who you really are and if you put this on your crappy website, I’ll ban you from gigs, ban you from the Racket shop and ban you from the MOLF.”
MH: “Crikey”
L: “Goodbye”